Photo by June Sprig; illustrations by Johnny Ryan
Real horror fans are nerds who want revenge. We root for our favorite villains the whole way through the film because we WANT the innocents to be killed and tortured. Therein lies the fun. That’s why the victims of all the slasher films are preppy football players and their gorgeous girlfriends. They are the people who beat up horror fans in school.
To be a real nerdy horror film you need: 1. body counts in the double figures; 2. a plot that’s paper-thin and mainly concerned with racing from one deserted locale to another; 3. deaths that are protracted and enjoyable to sadists; 4. a superhuman murderer into whom you can project all your anger and frustration towards normal society with each slash of his ax, blade, screwdriver, or chainsaw.
We set out to decide who’s the best slasher. Old men like Dracula and Frankenstein were banned. So was Damien from The Omen because he is the devil incarnate and that’s just unfair. The Evil Dead was more than one person, ditto all the Cannibal Apocalypse / Holocaust films. Things like the New York Ripper and the Toolbox Murders guys were disqualified because they only made one movie.
With the rulebook firmly gripped in our sweaty palms, we asked the director of necrophiliac video nasty Nekromantik, Jörg Buttgereit, and star of Halloween II and III Dick Warlock to help us decide.
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FREDDY KRUEGER,
THE BASTARD SON OF 10,000 MANIACS
Named after a kid who bullied Wes Craven at school, Freddy may have many inventive ways of eviscerating big-breasted chicks, but recently he was beaten and beheaded in a fight by Jason Voorhees in Freddy vs. Jason. We talked to horror legend Dick Warlock, who told us: “The first thing you have to realize is that Freddy is a dream. He can appear anytime, anywhere. So it isn’t really a fair fight.” Hmm.
Jörg Buttgereit’s opinion: “He works well in the first film, but then he fails miserably. The king of the child molesters was Albert Fish, and Freddy is somehow a mainstream version of this guy, trying to fuck children in their nightmares.” Ew.
Horror rating: 6
THE WAYWARD BROTHER
Jörg’s opinion Horror rating LEATHERFACE,
THE SOUTHERN MOMMY’S BOY
Texas Chainsaw Massacre Jessica Biel’s Tits-ass Titsaw Ass-acre Jörg’s opinion Horror rating REGAN MCNEIL, DEMON VESSEL
The Exorcist Deep Red Magazine Jörg’s opinion The Exorcist Horror rating SAMARA, THE GIRL DOWN THE WELL
Jörg’s opinion Horror rating CHUCKY, KITSCHY DEVIL DOLL
Child’s Play Jörg’s opinion Horror rating CARRIE, QUEEN OF PMS Prom Night Jörg’s opinion Carrie Horror rating JASON VORHEES, THE SCOURGE OF CRYSTAL LAKE Part 3 Jason X Jason vs. Freddy Jörg’s opinion Horror rating Hey, Horror Legend, What’s New?
Leonard Lies
Dawn of the Dead Frankenstein Don Shanks, Michael Myers in Halloween V
Urban Legend 3 I Know What You Did Last Summer 3 Grizzly Adams Butch Patrick, a.k.a. Eddie Munster
Alien Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein Kyra Schon
Night of the Living Dead The Crawling Eye Night of the Living Dead Jonathan Breck
Jeepers Creepers Miko Hughes
Pet Sematary Wes Craven’s New Nightmare Leo Rossi,
Halloween II Maniac Cop 2
