Five Films that I’m Really Excited about

I know it’s cliche, but I LOVE Showgirls. I’ve watched it about once a week for the last five years. When I’m not watching Showgirls I’m watching films that look equally as shitty in the hope that they might be in the same league. Sadly, nothing is (and yes, I’ve seen The Room stop linking me to that, already).  Southland Tales got pretty close, but it’s about an hour too long, and lacked that crucial ‘sexy’ element. Here are five films that haven’t yet been released, that I’m hoping can fill my void;

The Runaways
I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited about a movie as I am about this one. I must have watched the trailer 400000 times. It has everything I could ever want in a movie; Punk rock! Kristen Stewart’s underbite! Feminism! 15 year old Dakota Fanning being uncomfortably sexy! Apathy! Sexist men telling women they can’t rock! Confusing drug references! Racist depictions of Japanese people! What appears to be Kristen Stewart THROWING Dakota Fanning through the air (seriously, it’s at 0:49, WTF is happening?)! Mum hair! Lesbianism! Overcoming adversity to succeed in the end!

Also, I read in an interview with Kristen Stewart where she said that Joan Jett was on set screaming “PUSSY TO THE WOOD! FUCK YOUR GUITAR!” during the performances scenes. *Shudder*.

Salt
Sorry to reference Family Guy, but have you ever seen that epiosde that opens with a montage of shitty action movie cliches? Like, Meg shouting “Whaddya mean cut the blue wire? They’re ALL blue wires!!” and Brian pacing up and down and saying “Everyone I’ve told about the file is dead!”? Because who ever wrote that should really sue the producers of Salt. It’s EXACTLY the same. Sample quote; “I’M INNOCENT! SOMEBODY’S SETTING ME UP!!”.

Also, whoever styled this movie shouldn’t have put someone as mutant-esque as Angelina in a pair of skin coloured heels. They look as though they could be her actual feet.

Beastly
And ugly people everywhere breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you Vanessa Hudgens for teaching us that unsightly people can be desirable too. If he can learn to love someone as disgusting and grotesque as you, maybe I also have a shot at happiness.

Furry Vengeance
Remember when Brendan Fraser used to be famous? That was weird. I watched this trailer thinking the ‘furry’ in the title referred to the fetish. Unfortunately, it doesn’t. Which is a shame, that would have been funny.

Remember Me
In case his hair, cheekbones and heroin chic-ness didn’t tip you off already, Rober Pattinson is the deepest actor of our generation. Here is more evidence I just gathered from this trailer to support that; He partially quotes Ghandi, he wears a plaid shirt, he doesn’t give A FUCK what his father thinks, he smokes INSIDE, his apartment has dirty windows AND a beaded curtain, he takes global politics, his major is undecided (his ‘major’ acting as a metaphor for his ‘life’), he breaks windows, he gets in fights to defend his girlfriend’s honor, he rides a fixed gear bike, and he isn’t afraid to talk back. I think that covers everything.

Also, I read that, before filming Twilight, he spent 2 weeks living alone in the wilderness to “really connect to the isolation that Edward feels”. Douchebag.