My friend Julian bought the PS3 film-noir thriller Heavy Rain the other day and suggested we dedicate a whole day to completing it in an orgy of beer and microwavable fuelled chaos, this sounded like a swell reason to get a day off work, so after conning my boss we spent the day learning lessons and getting our hearts broken.

Heavy Rain is an RPG-like game where you control four different characters trying to solve a spate of murders on young boys by the Origami Killer (peado). You play the game by playing a series of quick time events that are designed to fuck with your mind and are deeply unforgiving, making us spill many a beer and leave some unsightly stains in our underpants.

Press X to touch some kids.

The game has courted controversy over its graphic content and there were calls to make it an 18, I disagree with this totally, as there are many lessons young 15 year old boys and girls could learn from this game, like learning to take off a woman’s bra or apply mascara correctly, learning to change a babys nappy, perfect for all the young parents from Hull. Even toddlers or people who have recently awoken from a coma could use this game, you learn how to brush your teeth, take a shower, take a piss. Not really sure why some of these elements were introduced by the developers Quantic Dream, but I can assure you that I concentrated really hard in completing the stripping and shower scenes.

Jostle analogue stick to put baby to sleep. Errrm do I have to?

Midway through our day of pain, Julian received a booty call that ended rather disastrously, a slight penile tear to be exact, he blames the game entirely claiming the immense survival pressure, anxiety and impressive CGI tits sent him overboard. That’s a lesson learned; video games ruin sex.

Swap the screaming woman for Julian and you basically have a picture of what happened to the guy, get well soon buddy.

There are many impressive moments in Heavy Rain, convincing and exhilarating fight scenes, tense escape sequences, graphic torture scenes, tear jerking tragedy’s and anxious moral predicaments. But there are an equal amount of laborious stupid shit that the developers make you do, brush your teeth, cook some food, do the washing and unfortunately if you’re playing pass the pad like we were then it can end up with your friend shooting people in the face while you get to carry out some first aid, yay.

As a male, being asked to repeatedly tap Triangle to squeeze a man’ balls made me feel pretty sick.

Press L2 to get laid.

Press R1 to end this innocent, pleading, unarmed man’s life. Ok then!!

Unlike normal games you can’t just re-load the game if you’re character dies, if you end up killing off one of the characters it will drastically alter the course of events for the other characters, throwing up a monstrous amounts of possibilities and endings, potentially sending even a sane gamer mad.

Manically throw the controller about to dance provocatively. You gotta love French developers.

After 16 hours, countless beers, 3 bottles of kick, several Tesco value pasties and a lot of cock blood we came to the end of our Heavy Rain Day, we failed to stop the Origami Killer as all the playable characters had either been killed in rather disturbing fashions or been caught by the police. All our pain, suffering and tears were met with failure, I am an emotionless husk, we played so much that I now see button icons hanging over everyday objects and when I have to make a difficult moral choice I feel the need to press R1, I think I’m suffering from mild shock, I wonder if Quantic Dream have a therapist to deal with this kind off shit, fuck this I’m going to France to get some answers.