We often hear about dating horror stories from women, but plenty of men are experiencing dating woes as well. This Reddit post explored the reasons why many men are opting out of romance today.

The original poster asked, “Men who aren’t dating, why?” Here’s what men shared.

1. They Don’t Feel Healed Enough

There’s this common misconception that, to date, you must be fully healed. While I do think you should actively work on yourself so you don’t cause harm to others in the dating world, I certainly disagree that you must be entirely perfect to find love. If you wait till you’re 100% “healthy,” you’ll be waiting forever.

Still, one Redditor wrote, “I’ve accepted I’m not healthy and don’t expose others to that.”

Self-awareness is certainly admirable and appreciated.

Another agreed, saying, “This is my response as well. I don’t want to subject someone else to my struggles. There are a lot more reasons, too, but recognizing that I’m not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship is the primary one.”

“I have a hard time just being okay normally,” a third added. “Working on anxiety, counseling, etc. I am hyper sensitive, so I get overwhelmed easily and absorb others’ energy. I know right now I’m not gonna be a good partner until I feel more balanced.”

I hate to think there are groups of people, regardless of gender, who feel they’re too unhealed to deserve love. You know what they say: hurt people hurt people, and perhaps opting out of dating prevents that cycle from continuing. 

However, I also think safe people heal safe people. So, maybe there’s a bit of a silver lining for those willing to do the work while dipping their toes into the dating scene when they feel ready. 

2. They Find It to Be Exhausting

Look, dating is not for the faint of heart. It requires time, energy, self-reflection, and a ton of compromise—which many of us don’t have the resources to give in today’s climate.

“It’s f**king exhausting,” one Redditor said. “Especially after 40.”

Another added that dating “seems like an expensive and tiring way to find out nobody likes me that way.”

3. They Have Difficulty Trusting After Heartbreak

Many men feel scorned by past partners and are unwilling to open their hearts again—and for valid reasons.

“Got cheated on in my 20-year marriage and divorced,” one person wrote. “Then dated a wonderful woman for about 8 months until she said she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I’m realizing I’m not ready to trust anyone with my feelings again … Dating feels like too much effort, and I did a lot of work on myself and my mental health, so I’m just enjoying my own company now.”

“Similar situation,” another Redditor responded. “My ex ran off with my best friend after the divorce. Changed her address to his. Our kids are older, late teens and early twenties, so I truly feel alone in what was a busy household, to now just me.”

4. They Don’t Know Where to Look

Even those who want to date often don’t know where to find matches.

“I’m ready,” one Redditor admitted. “I don’t know where to start, truth be told.”

“Same,” a second responded. “I have a few hobbies that involve other people, as most suggest. But people don’t talk to random others much, and I’m not exactly a talkative Terry.”

“Relatable,” a third said. “The apps don’t seem to be the answer either.”

I think men are often expected to do all the pursuing, which is understandable given traditional “roles” and whatnot, but that’s a lot of pressure to put on them—especially when many men today are trying hard not to appear creepy or intimidating. It’s like a lose-lose for both sides of the coin.

5. They’re Looking for a Needle in a Haystack

Many of today’s daters, regardless of gender, have specific preferences that are easily accessible.

“​​I feel like the kind of person I’m comfortable being and want to be, and the kind of person that would be successful in dating, probably don’t overlap much, if at all. Nor do I have any interest in being judged for what I like, what I think, and who I am,” one person wrote. “So if I fall a**-backwards into a relationship one day, I’ll gladly pursue one. But I’ve got little interest in doing what it takes to actively pursue one at this point.”

Another Redditor agreed: “I feel the exact same way! I would gladly pursue one with the right woman, but my idea of the right woman is so niche, and I haven’t met any in my journey in life yet that I feel wouldn’t judge me.”

Moral of the story? It seems we’re all struggling in the dating world, and every gender has its own unique challenges and valid reasons for being hesitant or even resentful. However, being hard on or blaming each other probably isn’t helping.