Unfortunately, the idea of “sex debt” has been so normalized that barely anyone bats an eye at it. However, you should never feel like you “owe” someone—even your partner—sexual intimacy, especially when at the cost of your own comfort and emotional safety.

Emily Conway, CEO and Creative Director of Dragon Toys, has witnessed the detriment of sexual obligation, or “sex debt.”

“‘Sex debt’ refers to the idea that when one partner turns down sex, they create a kind of unspoken obligation to say yes next time, regardless of how they actually feel,” she explains. “It might show up as a joke (‘you owe me one’), a guilt trip, or simply an internal pressure that one partner puts on themselves after saying no too many times.”

However, over time, it can completely erode the value of sex.

“Sex debt thinking often comes from a place of insecurity or poor communication,” Conway explains. “But framing sex as something that can be owed or withheld treats your partner as someone to negotiate with, rather than someone to connect with.”

Here’s why the concept of “sex debt” is detrimental to relationships.

1. Consent Becomes a Grey Area

When one or both partners feel pressured into sex, consent instantly becomes murky. Sex should feel like a mutual opportunity to connect and experience pleasure, not like a one-sided obligation.

“The moment sex becomes something you owe rather than something you want, the dynamic shifts entirely,” says Conway. “It reframes intimacy as a transaction, and that’s where things start to go wrong.”

“Sex is not a currency,” she adds. “It can’t be earned, owed, or bargained for, and the moment it starts functioning that way in a relationship, something important has already been lost.”

2. It Replaces Desire With Duty

Have you ever naturally wanted to do something on your own terms, but then someone keeps pressuring you to do it sooner, and you end up losing that desire? Yeah, that’s what sex debt does to your relationship.

“When someone has sex because they feel they have to, rather than because they want to, pleasure tends to go out of the window,” says Conway. 

3. It Breeds Resentment

It’s difficult to feel connected to and respected by someone who continues to pressure you. Sex debt often makes the recipient of such pressure feel objectified. On the other hand, the partner pushing for sex might feel unwanted and disconnected in another way. This dynamic breeds resentment on both sides.

Especially in long-term relationships, dry spells or periods with less sexual intimacy are completely normal and even healthy.

“No matter how long two people have been together, neither partner is entitled to sex,” says Conway. “A long-term relationship doesn’t come with a standing agreement to say yes. Instead, it comes with the opportunity to build something based on mutual trust and genuine desire. That only works when both people actually want to be there.”

Otherwise, you’ll only continue to build resentment. 

4. It Erodes Healthy Communication

Someone who constantly feels pressured or objectified by their partner will likely not feel comfortable communicating their own wants, needs, or feelings. 

“If someone is afraid that saying no will lead to guilt-tripping or conflict, they’ll stop communicating honestly about what they actually want,” Conway notes. 

This is an incredibly unhealthy and sometimes even dangerous relationship dynamic. Open, honest, and empathetic communication is necessary for any couple to thrive.

“If you or your partner are feeling pressured, guilty, or obligated around sex, that’s worth talking about, not for negotiation, but for understanding each other better. The goal should always be connection, not compliance.”

5. It Can Create a Mind-Body Disconnect

When someone continues to reject or dismiss their own feelings for their partner, only performing to make the other person happy, they slowly destroy the relationship they have with themselves. This is a slippery (and dangerous) slope for both partners.