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A SIERRA LEONEAN WARLORD Ready to turn that little nest egg into an early retirement? Sierra Leone’s illicit diamond trade may be the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. All you need is a good stash of cash, a healthy plan, and balls the size of Gen. Butt Naked’s. Here are ten tips to help you on the entrepreneurial endeavor of a lifetime: 1 Raise some capital—the bigger the initial wad, the bigger the final haul. Figure on buying uncut stones at 10–20 percent of market value. You’re only going to want to do this once, so come prepared. 2 After you’ve rounded up the loot, go round up some more. You’ll need it for “tips.” You’ll be greasing palms from Africa to Israel and back, and the level of greed and corruption you’ll encounter will be staggering. 3 Buy a gun so you can learn how to shoot. One of those ridiculous NRA courses will do to get you started, but it’s a good idea to get hooked up with a militia for access to advanced training. 4 Do not go it alone. Grab a few people you can trust with your life (good luck in 2003) and make sure they are as well prepared as you. 5 When you arrive in Sierra Leone, cautiously approach the first unofficial-looking Westerner you see and ask him about arranging a deal. If he’s white and not working for a government, you can bet he’s got his hands in the diamond trade and is looking to make a few bucks on the side. Don’t forget his gratuity––these guys make French waiters look like pushovers. He’ll also arrange for some guns to be bought. (You didn’t think you’d be getting on a plane with yours, did you?) 6 You’ll really want to do the deal in the ironically named Freetown, but if it can’t be arranged and you need to travel up-country to the diamond mines, YOU MUST FLY. By road, ambush is a 100 percent probability that will likely end with you tied to a stake, watching dogs consume your intestines. Charter a helicopter from any number of private aviators in the city. 7 OK, you are in the middle of nowhere with the world’s scariest African gangster about to sell you glowing piles of uncut rocks. Be cool while your new business associate gives you the once-over. He doesn’t know that he conjures up your worst nightmares about being hacked to pieces in the middle of the jungle. Remember, he’s just as scared of you as you are of him. 8 Yes, you know how to shoot. You are fearless, remember, and have nothing to lose. But don’t go “capping” anybody. Those guns are the last resort and only so you can take a few of the other guys with you if it comes to that. Always buy your way out of a jam. That’s what all that extra cash you brought is for. 9 You’ve done the deal. Two suitcases of diamonds are sitting on the bed in your hotel room. Now you just have to get them past security at the airport (your boy from step five should have already arranged this), onto a plane, and into Israel, where any number of shady diamond dealers will gladly take them off your hands for 70 percent of market value. 10 Return to the States, declare your enormous bankroll to customs, pay your taxes (Uncle Sam could care less as long as he gets his money), and live the rest of your fat and lazy life the way you always wanted to. Good luck and Godspeed.