It's no secret that Drake sucks at smoking weed: He rarely raps about it; he routinely claims to only do it in moderation; he never posts the late-night smoked-out Instagram. He's such a lightweight that he recently made headlines for allegedly getting too stoned to perform at a concert in Amsterdam, which, buddy, come on. Now, maybe Drake is so weed-averse because he just wants to be a good role model—after all, he's the biggest rapper in the world, and many people of all ages and backgrounds listen to his music. Or maybe he's being fiscally responsible because of the high price an extravagant weed lifestyle can cost musicians. Maybe he's even concerned about the legal consequences and doesn't want to spend his peak years facing drug charges.
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But maybe there's something darker and more sinister at play. Maybe the reason Drake rarely smokes weed is that… Drake doesn't know how to smoke weed at all.That's right. We here at Noisey are hereby putting forth the conspiracy theory that despite his money, his fame, and his connections, no one ever showed Drake how to smoke weed and, as a result, he is a 30-year-old man physically incapable of properly hitting a blunt. He may have started from the bottom, but, contrary to his lyrics, he definitely stayed there because he has absolutely no idea how to get high."How can you be so sure that Drake doesn't know how to smoke weed?" you may be asking. Surely, as the world's most famous rapper, as the protegé of Lil Wayne, he must have someone around who can show him, right? Perhaps. Or perhaps he has always just tried to play it cool and act like he knows what's going on, and, at this point, he is understandably too embarrassed to ask.Is this possible? Could Drake actually be worse at smoking weed than he is at working out? Could this be the biggest hip-hop cover-up of all time? Let's look at the evidence:Here we have a video of Drake performing with Wiz Khalifa in 2014. First, consider that this video is supposedly the first time Drake ever smoked weed onstage, making it a pivotal piece of evidence in the case for or against his ability to smoke weed at all. Now, consider what visual clues it might offer. Let's look at Drake taking the stage:
Exhibit A: The Wiz Khalifa Video
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Look us in the eyes and tell us this is a guy who has ever smoked weed before. Honestly tell us this guy has inhaled the tiniest modicum of kush and absorbed any of the calm that comes with it. It looks like he loaded up on Fun Dip and Mountain Dew before rushing out there. Now, in comparison, let's look at Wiz Khalifa taking the stage:Notice the slow pace, the trailing cloud that envelops his entire body, the fact that he just looks like a fucking guy who has smoked weed before. In comparison to Drake's hyperactive, childlike stage antics, it's pretty clear which of these two is well versed in the art of weed smoking. We can even zoom and enhance the side-by-side comparison in the ensuing frames:After a few minutes, Wiz passes the blunt to Drake, who hits it. But smoke immediately leaves his mouth, indicating that he pulled a "Bill Clinton" and had no intention of actually inhaling. Furthermore, you may notice that he looks at the blunt, as if considering taking a second hit or perhaps wondering whether or not the first puff was done correctly but ultimately does not put it to his lips again. Busted:There's also something to be said for the room's reaction. First, look at Wiz who is bursting with the incredulousness of a kid who just tricked his teacher into asking what BOFA is. It's the same reaction Drake himself had to David Blaine spitting up frogs:
Furthermore, look and listen to the crowd's response:
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Everyone is screaming and scrambling to take photos of the rare merger of Drake and weed. Hell, this one guy looks like he just witnessed his team winning the World Series:
Once again, honestly tell us that is a normal reaction to seeing someone who has smoked weed ever in their life smoke weed.This video here, though, is the nonsmoking gun. In 2014, Drake toured with his mentor Lil Wayne, a renowned marijuana enthusiast, and, as part of the show, each night the two smoked weed together on this comically smoky stage, as captured by Wayne's own videographer. What are we to make of this?
Exhibit B: The Lil Wayne Video
As we can see, there is smoke coming from multiple sources, which, unless we're to believe there is a second smoker, appear to be fog machines. Why were there so many fog machines? It's almost as if Drake is overcompensating for his own inability to smoke the stage out, literally covering up his shortcomings with smoke and mirrors.When Wayne passes the blunt to Drake, he hits it, and, much like in the Wiz Khalifa video, he blows the smoke out within milliseconds. Again, clearly no inhale:Also, look how into Wayne's singing Drake becomes right after he does it. See that forced smile?
Could it be any clearer that Drake is trying to shift attention from the nonexistent smoke coming out of his lungs?
This raises another question: If Drake truly doesn't know how to smoke weed, is this being covered up by Wayne? Does it go all the way to the top of Young Money?
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Exhibit C: His Interviews
Exhibit D: Drake's Lyrics
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Drake's idea of getting high apparently invokes a 1970s hippie stoner notion of looking up at a planetarium during a Laser Floyd show like an episode of Freaks and Geeks. Which, fine, that can be a fun thing to do. Many stoners have done it. But here he is two years later on A$AP Rocky's "Fuckin' Problems":"Smoking weed under star projectors,
I guess we'll never know what Harvard gets us"
Another reference to getting high and looking up at the stars—while listening to the Beatles, no less. It's like someone told Drake to write a lyric about weed and he asked "what do people do when they're high?" on Yahoo! Answers and wrote down the first reply he got from DeadHead420. If Drake really did know how to smoke, don't you think he would have some lyrics about getting high and doing literally any other activity besides staring at fucking stars?"Ain't a fuckin' sing-along unless you brought the weed along…
Or we can stare up at the stars and put the Beatles on"