All photos by the author.
As a giant playground in the middle of a field in rural Tennessee—according to organizers it’s the largest camping event in North America—Bonnaroo is generally a place where people go to get away from statistics and just have fun. Partying all night in a pizza costume is way more fun than looking at spreadsheets. That’s why you go to Bonnaroo! But as a dutiful journalist, I stayed out until the wee hours of the morning to keep track of these things and get a sense of just how crazy Bonnaroo is.
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Number of musical acts: Over 125
Number of attendees: More than 80,000
Ranking of Bonnaroo population among Tennessee cities: Seventh
Hours the festival remains open daily: 24
Estimated tons of compost generated and composted on site, based on past years: 325
Sets of porta-potties spotted with the word “Slayer” written across them: Two

Surprise Chance the Rapper appearances: At least four
Surprise Ed Helms playing banjo with Mumford and Sons appearances: One
Estimated square footage of the mud puddle created by people dumping out their drinks at the entrance: 200
Unsolicited high fives from strangers: 22
Drinks Madlib told me he’d had backstage at one point: Like five
Birthday hats given to me: One
Shark/Left Shark totems spotted: Five


Times I heard people shouting the word “Bonnaroo” to no one in particular: Five
Rays of sunlight painted on my arm: Eight
Size of group drinking boxed wine out of paper cereal bowls on day four: Six
Bowls of wine consumed by Noisey: One
Price of Molly quoted by roving dealers in the general admission campground: $100/gram
Price of drug test kits quoted by roving dealers in the general admission campground: $25
Price of a slice at Spicy Pie: $7
Lanterns released during Billy Joel: At least seven

Kilts spotted: Six
Sing-alongs to “Trap Queen”: Two
Sing-alongs to “m.A.A.d. City”: Two
Sing-along to “Piano Man”: One, but a really good one
Weddings attended: One, but a really good one

Memories made: Countless!
Kyle Kramer is flying home. He’s on Twitter.
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