Halloween Week Was Goddamn Terrifying

It might be November now, but in your throbbing head you’re still on your sixth round of Fireball shots and dancing with a drag queen dressed up like a sexy ebola patient. It was all fun and games until you had to wake up, and that’s a scary thing to wake up to.

Well, we’ve been scared shitless all week.

First, Matty Matheson transformed into a sexy dungeon-master-cum-leather-daddy and showed us how to burn off our nipples in hot fry oil. He also demonstrated a doughnut recipe.

Speaking of recipes, Tom Beers told us a creepy tale of a haunted house as he prepared a seasonally appropriate pumpkin pizza. Not scary enough? Try Tony Conigliaro’s gothic cocktails that contain real (read: fake) blood and enough silver to stop a werewolf’s heart.

We spoke to the most haunted bar in America, where Ray Charles allegedly shot heroin and the spirits of prostitutes roam the halls.

We also found out that maniacs probably aren’t stuffing candy bars full of needles, but the world’s leading expert on poisoned Halloween candy still thinks you should keep the weed-laced gummies away from the kids.

We introduced the world to Treetr, the first app to let you outsource your trick-or-treating. The best part is that you don’t need to tip the terrifying delivery man, who is very likely an ex-con living in his godmother’s cellar.

We discovered that jack-o’-lanterns originated on the Emerald Isle as GODDAMN HORRIFYING TURNIPS. No thanks, Ireland!

Finally, the official witch of Salem gave us our only respite this week, explaining that Samhain (as Halloween once was known) isn’t full of horror and ghouls, but pumpkin soup and magic spell bottles. If she sends you a crow feather, though, watch your ass.

Want to relive the horror with us? Eat our fear with this recipe collection.