INTERVIEW WITH PEREZ HILTON

Meet our new intern Dragan Sasic. He’s Serbian, so in Croatian it sounds like his name is Dragon Sausage. His family moved from Croatia over a decade ago because they got tired of living in a war zone and like a lot of European kids, he learned English from watching MTV. Now he’s an intern at Vice’s Toronto office. We heard celebrity gossip guy Perez Hilton was in town doing some promo and that he was supposed to show up at some club, so we told Dragan to go and ask him a few questions. Oh, and we asked him to dress up like girl because, well, because we could. This is what happened…

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, the most popular celebrity gossip website in the world. He gets millions and millions of hits every month, which means he got rich by shit talking famous people. I’m the new intern so VICE decided I should interview him in drag. My friend Jaime did my hair and makeup but I still looked like an un-passable tranny. I didn’t shave my beard and wore my own sneakers because there weren’t any size 13 women’s shoes at the Salvation Army. I’m no homophobe and I’ll do anything for a laugh, but as the time approached I got anxious while I was practicing my questions in an old dress and getting drunk at home. Perez was laid back, which let me relax a little, although I was still nervous since this was my first interview assignment and the first time I dressed in women’s clothes and makeup. I was the only person in drag at the club but the night went smoothly. I was happy as long as I nailed the interview and didn’t get my ass kicked. VICE: So, Perez, you’re in Canada speaking at different universities. What is it exactly that you’re speaking about? Perez: I speak a lot about celebrities like I do on my website ‘cuz that’s what people love to hear. You know, I talk and the people get to ask questions and that’s what they want to know. They want to know about stars and what’s going on. VICE: Do you think that our obsession, as a culture, with celebrities is because we’re boring or because they’re actually, genuinely interesting? Perez: I would say neither. I think people are interested in celebrities because it’s easy, disposable entertainment and it’s fun escapism. VICE: I can understand that. It’s something we’re not a part of but can delve into and come out unharmed. Perez: We can pretend that we’re a part of it. VICE: Do you consider yourself a celebrity? Perez: No, I’m a celebretard if anything. VICE: A celebretard? Perez: Yeah, I get to sometimes enjoy the perks of a celebrity but I’m not one. I have people criticizing me every day—even on my own website—so when you have people that are constantly bringing you down, it’s not that hard to stay grounded. VICE: Nobody gets 100% positive reviews. Perez: Yeah, I don’t really care either way. VICE: Right. Do you play favorites when it comes to gossip? Are there some people or some topics that are off limits for you? Perez: When you go to the website you’re reading perezhilton.com, it’s not the New York Times so inherently, you know, it’s one person’s point of view and one person’s perspective, one very strongly opinionated person who is not objective. It’s one person. VICE: What I meant was if there was anyone who you refuse to spread gossip about, someone like a close friend maybe? Perez: I won’t say bad things about Angelina Jolie ‘cuz I love her. There are some people that actually write bad things about Angelina Jolie but whatever, I don’t need to be one of them. VICE: If you had the power to ruin anyone’s career, who would you have never work again? Perez: Avril Lavigne. Since we’re in Canada. VICE: Which of the celebrity sex tape that you’ve seen is the best one? Perez: I don’t think I’ve really seen any…oh no, my favorite is this British beauty/model/whore named Jordan, who I talk about on my website a lot, because there’s one point in it where she got toe fucked. This guy stuck his toes in her pussy. VICE: That’s not even sanitary. Perez: It was wonderful television. VICE: My next question was which one is the worst, so does that double as the worst as well? Perez: No, that was definitely the best. The worst one would be China’s, the wrestler Joanie Laurer. VICE: I heard she has a mini penis for a clit. Perez: A mangina. VICE: Gross. Who is worse Mel Gibson or Michael Richards? Perez: Mel Gibson. VICE: Why? Perez: Because, at least Michael Richards could, if he wanted to, claim that he was trying to be funny but Mel Gibson was drunk and the drunk man speaks the sober mind. So they say. VICE: What’s up with Hollywood being all incestual? It seems like everybody is dating everyone else’s ex’s. Everything’s going in circles. Perez: Celebrities are losers; they don’t want to date “normal people”. They only want to date other celebrities. VICE: Everybody knows that Tom Cruise is gay, that’s old news. Who’s the next to come out of the closet? Perez: Well, Out Magazine just put Anderson Cooper and Jodie Foster on the cover of their magazine. VICE: Do you think that’s justifiable, have you suspected those two? Perez: Yeah, oh yeah totally! I’ve written about them being gay before. VICE: I know that you have a lot of detractors in the celebrity community but are there any celebrities who actually like you? Perez: I probably have a lot that like me and a lot that hate me just like anyone. I don’t care. I’m too busy doing my own thing to worry about what other people are thinking. And that’s the honest answer. VICE: Do you think you could start a rumor that Jessica Biel and I are adopting a baby from Tibet? Perez: We can start that. VICE: I think it would be nice. If I were a celebrity and you had to gossip about my outfit to Entertainment Tonight, what would you say? Perez: I would say that you need to put some more effort into grooming…manscaping. VICE: Is this about my beard? Perez: Maybe. Just a little trim maybe. VICE: I’m saving up for electrolysis. Perez: Oh. But I like it as you are; you were forcing me to come up with something to say.