INVENTING IS A DIAGRAM PLUS AMBITION

We Brits have invented good things like the printing press and The Beano and the bouncing bomb and wood chip. However, yesterday the British Invention Convention was held and, frankly, my mind wasn’t blown. Anything to do with science should be as amazing to idiots like me as the mall was to Brendon Fraser in California Man. But all this shit seems like bad jokes actualized. I was sitting on something much better.

Here are some of the British Invention Convention offerings.

Viagra bedsheets

What a geek one-liner. Of course in the real world nothing would be worse than lacing your bedsheets with a drug which has been linked to loads of heart attacks. It’s basically the Shirt of Nessus with an endless boner.

Magnetic tea towel

This couldn’t be any shitter. It’s magnetic so you can throw it at the fridge and not lose it. But who struggles with tea towels? You hang them on the handle of the oven and then you get on with your life and never worry about them, never once. Presumably, if you spill something on your laptop and then wipe it up with a magnetic tea towel, it wipes the memory. Sweet.

The Claudatron

Now, according to YouTube, this one has existed for over a year anyway and it’s basically a less cultured, less deadly version of this fat virtuoso.

Anyway, all this crap reminded me of my invention. I invented the best tattoo machine ever.

If you’re one of those mentally buggered people who wants a tattoo of Jack Bower or Fergie’s upskirt shot, then this is for you. Frankly, you’re not interested in style or art – drawing is a magic trick for you, one which is achieved by copying reality exactly. Clearly, if it were possible, you’d like photo-realistic tattoos as well, for cheap.

I don’t know how to do this, but if you cross a laserjet printer with a billion tattoo needles, you could have awesome photo-realistic tats with absolute zero tat-skill. See this diagram:

Awesome tats like these done with simply the touch of a button:

Your favorite pop star! For fewer pounds!

A sexy sexy woman! More realistic and more like real porn than ever before!

Your favourite meme! These things used to be too transitory to capture in a tattoo, but no longer–just download and ink!

A scan of your favourite piece of your art college collage! Art lives forever, on your skin!

I genuinely think this is a brilliant idea. Am I wrong?