Banging is fun. Tight jeans aren't necessarily fun, but they are popular. And they kind of make banging less fun, and always, without fail, far less sexy. Because they are very, very hard to take off.
You know how it goes. It's that special moment when your partner locks on your eyes and whispers "let's get these off." And you start peeling off your super fashionable tight pants—the very same tight pants that make people want to fuck you—but they shrink-wrap around your heels and get stuck. Then you start feeling desperate as you try levering them off with your toes, but now they're really stuck. Now you're laughing/grimacing and doing a weird push up thing, while thrashing about your straightjacketed legs. Finally, you give up and go to sleep because it's just not worth it.
Is there another way to remove pants? Is there? Because professional male strippers never seem to have this problem, even when they're wearing jeans. So how do they do it? To find out, and to get some tips on painless de-panting, we spoke to some strippers at Magic Men Australia.
VICE: Hey Carlos, have you ever struggled getting tight jeans off?
Carlos: Yeah, we're all from Melbourne so we wear tight jeans. Then, in the heat of the moment, you've got to jump out of bed and take your pants off while standing up. But to be honest, I think taking my pants off 14 times a night over 18 years has definitely made me an expert. I can't say I struggle these days.
So what's the secret? How do you take off tight jeans while still looking sexy?
Don't break eye contact. When you take your jeans off, or any pants off, always look the other person in the eye, make sure it's really strong eye contact and they're looking at you back. Then, while they're doing that, you can slowly take your pants off without it looking like it's awkward. The eye contact allows you to take your time and make it more sensual. You're drawing attention away from the jeans and putting your focus back on your partner.
Would you recommend wearing tearaway pants in day-to-day life or do they just fall off without warning?
You know tearaway pants certainly help. Every Magic Men male stripper has tearaway pants as a rule of thumb. They definitely do make life a lot easier and I girls always think it's funny when you can just rip them off and you're in your underwear, ready to go.
When you're stripping, what do you do if something goes wrong?
Well, for example, one time at a stage show I may have had one or two drinks too many. I'd forgotten to put underwear on backstage, then went on stage and tore off my pants and had nothing underneath. The rule of thumb here is when something goes wrong, just act like it was meant to happen. No one else will know the difference.
Follow Carlos on Instagram: @carlosjayf
Hey Channing, any tips for taking off pants while still looking good?
Slow is sexy. So if you're gonna do it, don't rush it because it's only going to make it more awkward. The slower you do it the sexier I think, that's definitely the way I handle it now. A lot of people make that mistake where you're rushing to get the jeans off, then before you know it you're tripping over your own foot.
What's the worst thing that can go wrong when you're stripping?
The worst thing that can happen is the music cutting out. You're half naked and the music sometimes just cuts. I've also had a couple of other times trying to do a handstand and that's gone pretty badly. On the whole though, I think I've got a bit of a cheeky smile so I just keep smiling and you can sort of smile your way out of it. The girls handle it pretty well as long as you laugh it off.
Back to the jeans. What's your move when they get stuck?
I lay down and get at them like that. Then I can sort of flip off the ground, back up again so it makes it look deliberate. That's my way out of that one.
Follow Channing on Instagram: @will_parfitt
Hi Jax, ever had a hard time getting tight jeans?
Yeah I did most definitely, but I've learned to overcome it. The best thing to do is start from the bottom and work your way up to the top, so sliding form the ankles and eventually getting to the waste bit by bit.
What's the most common mistake the average dude makes when getting their pants off?
I think the most common mistake is rushing it. A good way to make it more appealing to the partner is to get them to help you take the jeans off, sort of guide them with your hands
Would you recommend wearing tearaway pants every day?
Depends on the night. I would really recommend wearing them if you're going to have a big night but on a day to day basis they might be—actually nah, I would still say wear tear-away pants in the daytime. They're so comfortable.
Imagine you have one leg completely stuck, and you're hopping around the room and it's just not coming off. Things are going downhill fast. What do you do?
I would pretty much turn it around into a dance routine, maybe even chuck on some music and have fun with it. The best thing in any case is don't rush it, just be as smooth as possible and always make sure you have a smile on your face. A smile will get you out of anything.
Follow Jax on Instagram: @jaxon_human
Interviews by David Allegretti. Follow him on Twitter