A CLOCKWORK ORANGE is the reality on UK streets today. British adults are petrified of teenagers according to a major new report. Adults who see teens behaving badly, rather than clipping them ’round the earhole, are turning a blind eye and crossing to the other side of the road. The survey found that British grown-ups are the biggest wusses in Europe …

A whopping 30 per cent of British men and women said they would definitely not challenge teenagers who were spraying graffiti, vandalising property or abusing the elderly. Adults in the rest of Europe proved a little ballsier: only 7 per cent of Germans said they wouldn’t intervene, versus 13 per cent of Italians, 17 per cent of Spaniards, 19 per cent of the French, and 19 per cent of the Dutch.

To save the UK from being overrun by gangs of deviant teenagers, the report says that kids need to forced to do extracurricular activities like martial arts, drama, football, Scouts, etc. These after-school classes would be a compulsory extension of the school day – meaning that parents of kids who failed to show up would be fined, in the same way as parents are punished for their child’s persistent truancy.

DOM TUNON