VICE Mail

BANANAS FOR BOY BUTT
Dear Vice,

Let me start off by saying, I love you. However, you’ve been making me feel a bit down lately. Not in the way you may think either—I like the articles about drugs, war, prison, and disease. They are sad but they are also educational and inspiring and all my friends think I’m really smart. I’m talking about your apparent obsession with shit-faced, anorexic chicks who are photographed bumbling about their crummy apartments in nothing but leggings. That is not cool or hip, it is merely depressing. Please throw me some man-ass. Not the pimply carpeted-butt-crack kind either. And I’m not saying you only show the heroin-chic titties. I’ve seen plenty of fat, saggy boobs in Vice. You just need to hire a photographer who appreciates the man-ass and enjoys it as much as I do. Please!

Sincerely,

JANELLE
Sussex, Wisconsin

PS: This is a real letter on real paper written by a real person just like you wanted. You’re welcome. I even wrote a rough draft in pencil before penning this one in ink. I know that that makes me a huge nerd.

So you want photos of men’s asses? We’ve run plenty of those. Did you see the interview with Nayland Blake a few issues back where there was a huge photo of his BIG, NAKED, HAIRY ASS? How about that fashion story we ran with all those little Mexican gaywads cavorting in their wee panties? How about every Ryan McGinley photo ever? We’ve run so many men’s asses that it’s starting to look like we eat men’s asses for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack attacks. We have men’s asses falling out of our asses.


LEZ BE FRIENDS
Dear editor,

I was totally blown away by how badly written the review of the new Telepathe album was in your latest issue [V16 N1]. Not only was it obvious the reviewer didn’t even take the time to listen to it, it actually sounds like Vice straight-up hates lesbians.

It sucks that your reviews have become an excuse for gay bashing.

Sincerely,

DISAPPOINTED
Via email

Reviews editor Meg Sneed replies: Oh, come on, we’re not allowed to say that an album by two lesbians sucks because that would mean we hate all gay people? Fuck you. That’s the oldest trick in the Stick Up Your Ass handbook. Our staff has more homo cred in our little ambisexual pinkies than you have in your whole shrill little vagina. You have no idea. Oh and by the way, a “self-identified queer woman” wrote that review, so in your face, lezzie.


THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE GOOFY
Dear Vicegrip,

I call you Vicegrip because that’s how I feel whenever I read your magazine. Never since my days as a Game Boy–toting toddler who eagerly waited for the arrival of a monthly Nintendo Power has a magazine so thoroughly and completely captured my attention. I’m not sure if I love you or deeply hate you utterly. The feel of ambivalence is… interesting. It’s awesome. You guys are awesome for making me feel this way. The diction is dynamic. The syntax is nothing short of stupendous. Most articles drip with sarcasm, so much so that if I put the magazine down and my fingers to my mouth, it tastes like lemon. And yet sometimes the issues explode with heart, and the shrapnel cuts into me. Through it all, you guys are keenly aware you’re all obscurantist motherfuckers.

As of the time of writing this, I’ll be picked up in an hour and a half to ship off to Camp Pendleton to join the marines. I’ll be studying combat journalism—my first and foremost mission is to kill, but I will try to fight using my pen rather than my rifle. In a sense, your whacked-out approach to journalism, I dunno, soldered, or helped solder, my decision, and I felt a letter was in order, my first to any publication in fact. I’ll be gone for three months, so I won’t get to see this published. By the same token, I won’t feel bad when I realize you probably threw this away. Either way, I mail this letter with a sense of melancholy but also touches of pride and amusement.

Keep up the kooky work, guys! I must admit, I got the handwritten-says-thoughtful-more-so-than-typed idea from your all-interviews issue featuring Lindha Kallerdahl and Lynda Barry. Excellent stuff, those characters. I want to be exposed to them someday.

SEAN DENNISON
Pacifica, CA

Wow, we turned a marine on to Lynda Barry. Guess we can cross that one off the ol’ bucket list.


THE GREAT WHITE NORTHERN NIGHTMARE
Dear Vice,

[Re: “Stuck in Saskatoon,” V16 N1] You might think of Canada as a sedate land of unlocked doors and girls next door who become Hollywood silver-screen wank-bank contributors, but the natives back in the mid-90s started watching Chicano prison-gang movies (see: American Me, Blood in, Blood Out, etc.) and modeled themselves on that paradigm. Laughing, right? I used to live in a place called Edmonton, Alberta, and it’s now Canada’s murder capital. I moved to Australia ’cause I’ll be fucked if some chief is gonna slay me for walking on his land. Between the weed-for-guns-and-coke trade and the lawless no-man’s-lands known as Indian reserves, Canada is nice to see from the edge but scary in the middle.

ANONYMOUS
Via Viceland.com

It’s the desolate stretches that are way inland that you need to fear. Have you been to Montana lately? It’s like the moon as imagined by David Lynch. Hey, look at that. He made Inland Empire and we were just talking about inland places. Now there’s a scary movie. Gets a little boring here and there, but what about that fucking weird face-monster thing at the end? Holy shit, I have goosebumps just typing about it. Did you see that in the theater? There was nowhere to hide… Wait, what were we talking about?


THE SWEETEST MEAT
Dear Vice,

[Re: “Who’s Hungry? An Interview With Issei Sagawa, Cannibal,” V16 N1] The cannibal’s story reeks of bullshit. He pulled the trigger, it jammed, and she didn’t hear the click, turn around, and freak out? He was in the bathroom with every prostitute as they washed? Where did he get the gun in France? He committed murder and walked free?

I don’t think so.

ANONYMOUS
Via Viceland.com

We hate assholes like you, who doubt great stories because your own life is so boring. All you had to do before writing your pissy little note was search his name on Wikipedia and there’s the whole story, cited and footnoted. Yes, he committed murder, ate parts of his victim, and walked free. How mundane is your life that this seems so impossible?

PS: I would take a bite of human meat just to see what it tasted like as long as I was promised I wouldn’t get sick or arrested. Is that gross?

 

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Letters are edited for length.