Masturbation styles

Last night I was informed how the old men pee. Oldies thrust the pelvis forward, and rest one hand on the hip, really masculine, self-satisfied, kinda like the way you would pee on the headless corpse of your victim. Like shoving your pee as far into the universe as you can hose it. I’m not certain, but I think Popeye pees like that. This lead to discussion on how the mentally retarded pee. They pull the underpants all the way down, stretched almost under the shoe and almost all the way off. Seems like a very enthusiastic way to pee, take it all down and yiiiiiipPEE!!!!! I like that. But I guess it looks weird under the stall door. This made me think. What about masturbation styles?

Some of us are into laying on the back or standing up. Most women enjoy to lay on the stomach. I am a cuddler, stomach position is great for cuddling myself post ‘gasm too.

Masturbating upside down has never come up. Never masturbated and walked. What about masturbating and running? Weird. Masturbating and driving is very popular these days. I know girls are known to masturbate while riding horses, but that’s not really masturbating, that is what we call frottage. Poor sad and unaware molested horsey.

Are you of that ilk who insert? Searching, near panicking, for a candy cane or a pencil to poke in the brown eye? Not happy till all holes are filled, including Vaseline-slathered nostrils? Do you put a baby carrot in your belly button? Oh no, did that lead you to anal insertion of a whittled piece of ginger root, known on the street as figging? Do vegetables have feelings? Do you think the butternut squash resents being forced to perform? If you lined up all the Parfums de Coeur body sprays that you ever put up your butt, end to end, would it circle the earth ten times? Or would it reach to the moon and back over and over again?

Once, in third grade, my friend and I were playing doctor and she stuck Barbie’s tiny golf club in my butt. Anyone out there into that? Truthfully, when you get someone to open up about their masturbation styles, most of the time, people will reveal that they have some specific object that they cannot wait to get into their butt. So, I say anal insertions and masturbation are linked in brotherhood forever. What hasn’t been up a butt? What has?