My Point of View – That Braw!

Britney Spears fans are an odd bunch who are always up for an online rumble. Call into question the work ethic of their disgraced queen, and they will offer up strange, aggressive defenses of her refusal to use her vocal cords on stage, mostly straight-faced variations on “it’s impossible to put on a show where you actually sing.” At Britney Spears’ concerts, the majority of men’s bathrooms are transformed into women’s bathrooms for the night, as the women in attendance outnumber the men by an astonishing ratio. But lest you surmise that Britney’s fan base is strictly single women with low self-esteem, here’s a telling and grammatically-uncorrected excerpt from an imdb.com fan review of Britney Spears’ Crossroads movie by one of her male fans: “I just saw this movie and it was pretty good i mean Britney Spears looked pretty good in those pink panties and that braw.”

Now in the midst of her “Femme Fatale” world tour, Britney has reached out directly to loyal fans of all persuasions with occasional retweets of the most fawning fan commentary, and by making herself available after the show to “meet and greet” the folks whose continued patronage has kept her freezer stuffed full of TGIFriday’s-brand Frozen Cajun Style Chicken Alfredo. Through this benevolent outreach program, every fan has a chance to meet Britney and pose for a photo with her… for a thousand bucks. (A similar “meet and greet” package for The Monkees retails for $179, not necessarily a good value either.)

Photos of the Britney Spears “meet and greet” victims have been appearing online and are alarming. In one widely-distributed photo, a portly, haggard, dazed woman whose pockmarked face is covered in grotesque pancake make-up stares at the camera with dead eyes… and the fan Britney’s posing with doesn’t look too healthy either. Britney’s refusal to hug one of her “now $1000 poorer” fans in Vancouver made international news, though when queried, most Britney fans unequivocally rank her far higher up in the pantheon of saintly females than Mother Teresa, who never charged a cent to the lepers she hugged at her many “meet and greets” on the streets of Calcutta.

“Ah, but in such an ugly time, the true protest is beauty,” defeated vocalist Phil Ochs said many years ago, and to try and provide contrast to the ugliness that is the “Femme Fatale” tour, I offer more of my original haiku-style poetry. Delicate, graceful, and heartfelt, these little poems are everything that Britney’s live performance is not. I hope that they may provide comfort and joy.

Britney Spears on tour
Her straitjacket discarded
To reveal old flesh.

Britney barely moves
And we’re listening to tapes
I want a refund.

“Everything I do
Is for my fans,” said Britney.
Pantiless crotch shots.

Britney’s little pills
Her managers keep her hooked
While they grab money.

Teary-eyed fan claims
“Britney is my role model:
I want to be a mess.”

Fans feel so sorry
For the poor little rich girl
Her mansion is ugly!

Britney is lazy
She doesn’t want to sing
No one can fire her.

Let’s convince the gays:
“She’s the new Judy Garland!
Go see tragic Brit!”

Bono and Britney
Imagine they had kids!
Dimwitted grifters.

In future, thrift stores
Will collapse under the weight
Of dumped Britney discs.

NEIL HAMBURGER

http://twitter.com/#!/neilhamburger