Relationship OCD and Valentine’s Day: When Romance Becomes a Minefield

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, many couples are feeling excited to celebrate their love on this special occasion. However, others might actually be feeling more anxious about—or even triggered by—the holiday.

Those who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) understand how the condition can impact various aspects of their lives, one of them being their romantic relationships. There’s even a subset of this disorder called Relationship OCD (ROCD), which is when the individual’s “obsessions” and compulsions revolve around their relationship.

They might experience all-consuming doubts about whether they are attracted to their partner, whether their partner is “the one,” whether their partner really loves them in return, etc. 

Of course, we all have these doubts from time to time, but someone with OCD might assign more meaning to them, eventually feeling suffocated by the constant intrusive thoughts and questions.

This often leads to rumination, reassurance-seeking, confessing your thoughts/feelings to your partner, “checking” your attraction to your partner (or your partner’s attraction to you), and other compulsions.

Relationship OCD and Valentine’s Day: When the Holiday of Love Becomes a Minefield

According to Kevin Foss MFT, a licensed therapist and author at Psychology Today, these doubts can become even more overwhelming during a holiday like Valentine’s Day.

“ROCD sufferers find themselves thrust into a whirlwind of compulsion to alleviate their anxiety and achieve certainty. Some will think back to their past relationships and compare how they felt about previous partners to confirm they feel more and more ‘right’ about their current partner,” Foss explained.

“Some fixate on their partner’s flaws and try to think about how they can fix them, or try to convince themselves it isn’t that bad so they can confirm they do think their partner is attractive.”

“Some will scrutinize every emotion and sensation when around their partner to check they are feeling the right amount of love, attraction, and sexual arousal to affirm the legitimacy of the relationship,” he continued. “Others will ask friends, or even their partner, for reassurance that the relationship is good, or at least OK.”

However, anyone who has any sort of OCD knows that no amount of reassurance is enough to quell the doubts, and that certainty is just an illusion. 

As someone who struggles with ROCD, I used to feel so ashamed and guilty for the thoughts and doubts I had—especially because some of them were just downright mean and vile. I didn’t want to be having them, but I thought they either made me a bad person or meant I wasn’t actually in love.

The issue with OCD is that the thoughts are usually ego-dystonic, meaning they go against your actual morals and values. They’re not a reflection of you or your character. Still, they can be relentless.

In the past—and sometimes still to this day—I would also shame myself for how I reacted to my OCD thoughts. Why was I giving them so much attention and assigning them so much importance? Did that make me an awful person—an awful girlfriend? Was I better off alone where I couldn’t hurt anyone?

But really, I was just desperately trying to stop the negative thoughts and avoid anything that might set off even more of them. Because underneath it all, my biggest fear was losing that person—the very person the OCD was attacking.

OCD tends to do just that: target what—and who—we love the most. 

Before understanding what was going on, I ended healthy, positive relationships because I felt so unworthy of the love I was receiving. If my thoughts could be this terrible, my doubts this strong, I felt I didn’t deserve that person. I

could barely look them in the eye without the weight of guilt and shame on my chest, making it hard to even take a full breath. At my worst, I could barely get out of bed or eat a full meal.

If you relate to any of this, know that you’re not alone, and you’re not the problem. Your thoughts do not define you, your relationship, or your partner. And your reaction to them—the rumination, the reassurance-seeking, the guilt—is just a desperate attempt to ease the situation so you can settle into the love you know you feel deep down.

As hard as it is, try your best to resist the compulsions, as this will only make the anxiety stronger. 

Be present, take your relationship moment by moment, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself for some silly little holiday.