Something that isn’t talked about much is how to handle cheating post-breakup, when it comes to your cheating ex moving on with someone new. It’s normal to feel angry and vengeful, wanting them to suffer for the pain they’ve put you through, finding it unfair that they get to move on and be happy when they caused you trauma.

Recently, I stumbled upon a Reddit post on this topic, titled: “AITA [am I the asshole] for telling my ex’s new boyfriend she cheated on me with two guys while we were together?”

The man goes on to explain that he dated his ex for about one and a half years. They lived together, had joint savings, and seemed to be committed for the long run. However, that all went up in flames when the girlfriend confessed to cheating on OP with two different men. 

“I moved out the next day,” he wrote. “Blocked her. Went full monk mode.”

However, a few months later, OP received a DM from his ex’s new guy. The message read: “Hey man, hope this isn’t weird, but I know you used to date K, and I just wanted to ask if she was faithful to you? She says you were emotionally distant and kind of checked out.”

While stunned by the DM, OP took some time to process the question before responding. 

“I sat with it. I didn’t respond for a few hours. But then I figured… if he’s asking, he probably already knows something’s off. So I told him the truth.”

He messaged back with the simple truth: “She cheated on me twice, once with someone she told me not to worry about, and once with a random on vacation. You can believe what you want, but that’s what happened. Good luck.”

Of course, when his ex found out that he had outed her, she immediately texted him and accused him of trying to ruin her life.

“That was so inappropriate,” she added. “I thought you were better than this.”

That message seemingly got to OP, who then ended his post questioning whether he was the asshole for being honest. 

“Did I cross a line?” he asked Reddit. “I wasn’t trying to sabotage anything. He literally asked. I gave a calm, honest answer. But apparently, I’m the villain in her healing journey now.”

Should you ‘warn’ your cheating ex’s new partner?

There was a ton of discourse on the Reddit post, with most people agreeing that OP was NOT, in fact, the asshole in this situation. 

One person wrote: “NTA [not the asshole]. You didn’t sign an NDA when you broke up. You owe her nothing, and an honest and faithful man asked you point-blank. You told the truth and were very fair with your response.”

I think the situation would have been completely different if OP had gone out of his way to track down his ex’s new man and warn him. In which case, as much as you might want to look out for the next person or call out your ex, protecting your peace and moving on from the situation is usually what best serves us emotionally. 

However, in OP’s case, he simply defended his own reputation and gave the truth.

“You don’t need to lie for her…” another Redditor wrote. “You just told the truth, if that makes her look bad, that’s on her.”

How much should you protect an ex?

But that does beg the question…how much (or how little) should you be willing to protect an ex—someone you were once intimate and vulnerable with?

In my opinion, there should be a basic level of respect and privacy between two exes. For example, you shouldn’t air out their dirty laundry when they once trusted you with it. If they’ve shared personal information about mental health struggles, family drama, or other intimate details about their life, that’s probably something you should keep to yourself. 

However, if they can’t respect you in return, I don’t believe you owe them any loyalty by lying to cover up their shitty behavior. You have every right to speak up about the things you’ve been through and the way you’ve been treated.

If the ex-girlfriend in the Reddit story didn’t want OP to tell her new partner she cheated, she probably shouldn’t have trashed OP to him in the first place—and, of course, shouldn’t have cheated to begin with.