If you’re like me, you’re a weeb, a degen, and totally and utterly in love with the Touhou Project girls. I mean, I’m total dogshit at ZUN’s The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil. But his little armpit-exposing shrine maiden Hakurei Reimu? Cirno, the fucking moron? Whatever a Patchouli Knowledge is? Ugh. Right to my veins. I’m always going to be a pathetic 2000s-era weeb at heart, even if I don’t go on 4chan anymore.

Fun fact: I once tried to get my suburban New Jersey high school anime club to sit through a subbed version of MAIKAZE’s Musou Kakyou: A Summer Day’s Dream in 2009. I failed in my venture, as everyone wanted to watch Claymore and Ouran High School Host Club instead. Which, I mean, fair. This is 2009 we’re talking about. No one knew what a toe-hoe was.

But, man. I fucking love Touhou. Which is why I am now going to recommend you play a Touhou fangame that, while simple and easy to win, is great for keeping your hands busy while yapping on a Discord call or chatting with your simps on Twitch.

‘Touhou ~Red Empress Devil’ Kinda Slaps

When I booted up Touhou ~Red Empress Devil for the first time, I honestly wasn’t expecting to beat the game in half an hour. Developed by two-person Japanese indie team STUDIO POCO, this Touhou Project fangame offers a roguelite adventure through Remilia Scarlet’s Scarlet Devil Mansion. Players can choose from over a dozen Touhou girls, from Reimu herself to yuri darling Alice Margatroid of IOSYS’ “Marisa Stole the Precious Thing” fame. (Here’s the McDonald’s version of that, by the way.)

Have no idea what a Marisa is or why Alice has a crush on her? Well, that’s okay. No prior Touhou knowledge is required to enjoy Touhou ~Red Empress Devil. The game drops players into a bullet hell dungeon romp that’s as simple as walking forward into the Scarlet Devil Mansion. And then walking left, and right, and backwards, and forwards, all in the effort of dodging enemy bullets.

Red Empress Devil‘s gameplay loop is simple. Kill enemies, explore each floor, acquire and purchase upgrades, then fight a Touhou character for that level’s boss battle. It’s a bit like Enter the Gungeon, but if there were a bunch of cute anime girls in it… and the game itself was ridiculously short.

Seriously. This game is short.

For Laying In Bed, Stoned Out Of Your Mind

Shortly after I got my Steam Deck last year, I downloaded this game and expected to get my ass kicked by toehoes. Instead, I beat the whole thing as Reimu in just a couple dozen minutes. Short, sweet, and far easier than any mainline Touhou Project game, this roguelite is less “bullet hell” and more “bullet heck.” You’ll likely beat the game quickly, then go play through it all over again with another character. Master her special power-ups and playstyle, win, and go again.

Which gets to my main point. If you’re expecting this game to be “Nuclear Throne meets Touhou,” you’re going to be sorely disappointed. However! If you want something simple, easy, and straightforward to play just to kill time, Touhou ~Red Empress Devil is worth your cash. The art style is adorable, the girls look fantastic in STUDIO POCO’s pixel style, and it’s kind of adorable seeing characters like Hong Meiling look smug and confident against you at the start of boss battles — only to appear crestfallen against your superior roguelite mastery. Or, more succinctly, your ability to press mouse1 and also drop bombs.

“Who’s This for?”

Super challenging, this game is not. As long as you give it a passive focus, you’re guaranteed a win. That means it’s fantastic to play if you’re like me and stricken with ADHD. Making you anxious and fidgety while sitting still on voice calls or Twitch streams. Hop on OBS or Discord, stream it to your respective audience, and get ready to vibe. Or if you’re tired after a long day, make a cup of tea, lay in bed, and run through a round on your Steam Deck while listening to your favorite podcast. It’s a great way to keep your hands busy without requiring as much active focus as, say, Helldivers 2 or Valorant.

Touhou ~Red Empress Devil is only $8.99 on Steam. Buy it, grab your bong, take a fat hit, and watch cute girls do cute things, you weeb.