Canada, we need to talk. Go ahead, take a seat. The CBC announced the nominees for the Juno Awards yesterday. Check out these picks for artist of the year:

Best Album:

Goodbye Lullabye, Avril Lavigne

Take Care, Drake

Under the Mistletoe, Justin Bieber

Christmas, Michael Bublé

Here and Now, Nickelback.

That’s just the “Best Album” category, but the noms for other categories don’t get much better. Look, Canada’s great. They’ve decriminalized marijuana, legalized gay marriage, and made health care available to everyone–even gross poor people who don’t deserve it. But this is just ridiculous.The list reads like a list of “socially acceptable musicians to publicly slam” for 14-year-olds who want to look like they have discerning taste on Tumblr.

Hey, we’re not much better. We have the Grammy’s. But what really breaks my heart is that you can do so much better than this. Canada is home to some of the most exciting and influential artists in independent music right now, and Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal rival Brooklyn, London, and Los Angeles in spawning list-topping bands like Destroyer, Purity Ring, and Grimes.

So why the self-deprecation? Is it a complex Canada’s developed after years of being degraded as “America’s beaver fur-lined, moose antler-adorned hat?” Well, for what it’s worth, I’m here for you, Canada. I’m ready to see you rise from the ashes of your Dion Days, your Nickelback Nights, and to see you take flight as the mighty, flaming phoenix of musical prowess and creative power that I know you can be. Do you hear the strings swelling in the background? Are you inspired yet? Good. Now go on and make me proud.

I guess I should say “Don’t miss the Juno Awards on April 1st,” since you’ll probably never hear about them again otherwise (no one actually gives a shit about the Junos, anyway).

@sashahecht

If you’re interested in what’s really going down in Canada, stay tuned to Jesse Locke’s column, No Canada.