Will Scheduling Sex Save Your Relationship?

It sounds like a sensible solution: block out time on your calendar for sex like you would for a work meeting or a dentist appointment. But for many couples, penciling in intimacy doesn’t spark passion—it just adds pressure.

Dani, 34, tried it. Her therapist suggested a twice-weekly schedule might help with the disconnect in her marriage. “I actually did put it in my calendar every Tuesday and Thursday,” she said in an interview with ABC News Australia. “But funnily enough, it didn’t actually result in us having sex at all, and just increased the tension and resentment.” It turned out scheduling wasn’t the problem—unmet emotional needs were (surprise!).

Sex therapist Kassandra Mourikis told the news outlet that while scheduling can help some couples make time for intimacy, it often oversimplifies the issue. “The most prominent criticism of scheduling sex is that it creates pressure and expectation,” she explains. Instead of building anticipation, it can feel like obligation, and for some people, that’s a total desire killer.

Scheduling Sex Won’t Save Your Relationship

For long-term couples, desire rarely arrives spontaneously. Relationship counselor Tanya Koens explains, “The longer we are together, the busier we get…unless people prioritize sex, they don’t get to it.” But she also cautions that treating sex like a calendar task can backfire, especially if there’s a power imbalance in the relationship. “If it’s a demand, ‘We must have sex on Wednesday,’ that’s treating it like a work meeting,” she says. “You’re not entitled to sex, even in a monogamous relationship.”

Still, scheduling intimacy—not necessarily sex—can help bridge the gap. That could look like planning time for a shower together, a massage swap, or just hanging out without phones. Koens describes it as “narrowing the gap,” especially if it’s been a while. “You’re not failing if you don’t have sex,” she says.

And if your gut says scheduled sex feels off? Listen to it. Mourikis encourages people to trust their instincts. “Lots of people are taught to ignore their bodies and that their body’s signals are not trustworthy,” she says. But giving yourself permission to not want sex can paradoxically allow space for desire to grow.

Sure, you can plan for sex. But connection and intimacy aren’t things you can clock in and out of—you need to build that through honesty and vulnerability.