The A to Z of Fuckboys

In 2020, the fuckboy really requires very little introduction. Once a lone philanderer sharing shirtless tiger selfies on Tinder or, if particularly malicious, Bumble, the "fuckboy" has now multiplied to include a whole array of knobheads – from DJs to ketty boys, horny quarantiners and Jordan Peterson apologists. In short: every (typically straight) man who is in someway problematic. So, I present to you, dear male-attracted female reader, 26 iconic fuckboys you have inevitably slept with, or who you are destined to be quietly spanked by one day. Hinge is a cruel mistress!

He dumped his university girlfriend in 2010 because she didn’t fit his "brand". Dropped out, then started a dating app where you match with people who go to the same cafes as you. It only managed to attract 15 users, all of whom went exclusively to Grind and so kept matching with each other. Now, this lad spends the last of his venture capital opening his laptop twice a week at a co-working space and using Tinder (not his own app) in the toilets. His job title is listed as "Entrepreneur and World Traveller''. He chats to women incessantly for two hours before disappearing, adding, “I have a dating app business so might just be here for research :)” to his bio. It was previously the aeroplane and globe emojis.

Honourable mentions: antagonist, awful

Boohoo men are the greatest new British subculture for a generation. In the 60s we had the mods, in the 70s we had the punks, and in 2020, we have men who look like their muscles are going to actually explode through their skinny jeans. They at first may not seem like fuckboys, given their propensity to post photos of their girlfriend on Instagram (Stories only), especially when she’s cooked unseasoned chicken. But that’s because they’re cheating on her in secret with someone they messaged on Instagram with marginally fewer followers but much bigger tits.

Honourable mentions: Busy

We all know city boys are bad. They’re Tories, they work for evil companies, they have no interests beyond cocaine and they’re rich so we should eat them. But any male-attracted female Londoner who says she’s never shagged* one is a fucking liar. They swoop in and start chatting to you at the exact moment you feel most socially vulnerable – usually a terrible house party where you don’t know anyone. They sense your desperation for “chat”, “banter” and a “good smile”. You’ll shag and then he’ll never text back, and you’ll remember why Moorgate All Bar One is cursed.

*kissing counts.

Honourable mentions: cheating, come over, cocaine, chlamydia, “cuddle”, casual, chad, Chimp Paradox

He’s silent, he’s brooding, he’s 100-percent going to fuck up your life. It’s difficult to determine what is so hypnotic about DJs, but one theory posits that it’s because when they’re mixing they don’t say anything or look at you, thus making them even more elusive and unattainable. A DJ will not mope about pretending to be a tortured musician, or even attempt to have a “personality”. He just helps you get fucked up at parties: an honourable pursuit. The issue is, all his money is spent on equipment, and his lack of socialisation (he’s been indoors pressing buttons since he was 17) means he would much rather be mixing alone in his room than hanging out with you in the daylight. The four months you spend sleeping with this guy will make you critically Vitamin D deficient.

Honourable mentions: dickpic, dirty sheets, Dalston, DMs, distant, Don’t kill yourself your [sic] so sexy aha

You lowered your standards for this man because you thought he was funny. Also he went down on you for a really long time! But unlike other “funny man” Chris O’Dowd in Bridesmaids, he didn’t bring you baking ingredients in the morning. In fact, you did not even stay overnight. He came (quickly), then said he sleeps better alone but he’d pay for half your Uber back. When you asked if he’d be up for hanging out again, he looked uncomfortable and said he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but he has a stand-up gig in a couple of weeks he’d love you to come to.

Honourable mentions: emptiness, e-boys, emos

He claims it’s more “artsy” this way but truly, there is nothing romantic about being eye-level with skin flakes when fucking. A word of advice to my dear reader: if the man you’re dating cannot be bothered to buy and assemble a bed frame, he definitely cannot be bothered to give you the love and attention you deserve.

Honourable mentions: fuckgirls, filmmaker, faking (your orgasms)

He lives in Hackney and owns plants and Scandinavian furniture. He wears a tiny beanie. He has a beard. His life seems, actually, quite together? This will be your first proper grown-up boyfriend! The issue with a graphic designer boyfriend is two-fold. Firstly, he will judge everything you create and purchase, due to the fact that he has a “good eye”. Second, he thinks he’s a maverick because he’s a freelancer who doesn’t like going for office beers and hates everyone who does. In short: both you and he think he’s cool but he’s not. He’s actually a boring cunt.

Honourable mentions: the gym, ghost

Most of the time, sending a photo of the guy you’re seeing to the group chat is extremely traumatising. But this guy? You LOVE showing your friends this guy. He’s just a hot guy, you know. He’s so hot. Like, don’t you think he’s just really hot? I can’t believe I’m dating someone this hot! For obvious reasons, you overlooked his lack of personality, LadBible Facebook shares and 😂emojis for the first few weeks, but finally ended it the day he asked if you’d seen “that latest Jonathan Pie video”, the first and only time he initiated a conversation.

Honourable mentions: holiday romance, holiday promises that are never followed through, horniness, Hinge, hang out

Like the hot guy but far more annoying. Hot guy didn’t really realise he was hot whereas this guy’s turned it into a vitamin marketing business. Will make a big deal of how you’re not his “usual type” but also ask you regularly if you’d like to go to the gym with him (film him doing press-ups) and suggest dates to Sheesh Chigwell. Non-ironically talks about “the grind”. Steals your fake tan but says he “likes you because you don’t wear all that slap on your face”. Will 1,000 percent dump you for a chance at Casa Amor.

Honourable mentions: Interested, Instagram

In a way you feel sorry for him. He just wanted to find someone who spoke to the modern man. Unfortunately, that person ended up being a transphobic defendant of "freeze peach" who believes men are lobsters, or he fucks lobsters, or something. Of course, you didn’t know he was into Jordan Peterson when you met. It came out about five dates in, when you’d finished two bottles of wine together and you mentioned Jack Monroe/Caitlyn Jenner/the feminist bookclub you set up at uni, and he sat back in his chair and grimaced. He “doesn’t like Jordan Peterson” but he “understands where he's coming from”. Unfortunately, you probably kept dating this man for at least two months because he gave decent head. Sorry, I don’t make the rules!!!

Honourable mentions: just friends, Joe Rogan, jazz

A lot of softbois really like ketamine, because it’s a unique and kooky drug used to expand the mind and break free of the shackles of modern life. Also, they couldn’t find mushrooms. A "ketty fuckboy" is a different breed, however. He’s tried coke a few times but it just makes him poo a lot, so now he just loves K and this strange dance move that involves very high stomps.

The ketty fuckboy is fun for a while, but good luck getting regularly banged by someone who likes to lose feeling in their legs.

Honourable mentions: Kant, Kyles (all)

Two scenarios with this one. One: you shagged once then a few weeks later received a WhatsApp out of the blue saying: “Got some weird lumps on my balls so maybe worth getting checked out?” Two: you were going out for exactly five months before he asked you to check a rash on his balls because he was afraid of going to the STI clinic. Either way, you will always remember him as “lumpy”.

Honourable mentions: lads (the)

When has this ever turned out well?

Honourable mentions: making out, making up, making yourself cum

Honestly, these guys are quite sound. I’m not talking about guys who think liking Hampstead Heath makes them wildly alternative, or “just want to get a cabin in the woods and write poetry”, but guys who are genuinely green-fingered and just want to be in nature. Sadly he’ll never want to shag you as much as he wants to shag a tree. He wants to open a vegetable farm co-operative. Without you.

Honourable mentions: not looking to date right now, Negging

Truthfully, there’s a little "orgasm" in every fuckboy, but when you reflect on your back catalogue of lovers, there’s probably one in particular who, quite possibly in spite of no other tangible qualities, made you cum a lot. The man who makes you think: orgasm. You’ve likely forgotten everything else about him, because realistically this had no longevity (we must all compromise something for love and women often select sexual enjoyment :) ) but it was fun whilst it lasted!

Honourable mention: options open

Remember these guys? The ones that told a generation of young men you should be nasty to women to make them like you and convinced nice normal guys to say “fuck betas”. After being denounced by absolutely everyone, especially women, pick up artists retreated from YouTube Trending a bit. Now they’re pushing online "entrepreneur" classes that cost £2,000 for two hours of content and explain how to make a Shopify account. Respect the hustle!

Honourable mentions: Polyamory, psychedelics, personal trainer, penis, pussy, Peep Show

He’s failed to grasp the concept of social distancing and just thought the PornHub Premium giveaway in Italy was a goodwill gesture. Now he’s stuck home alone and horny, furiously texting all the women he’s slept with in the past two years to see if someone will come over and “socially distance together <3”, and is appalled they are all saying no. Smart girls!

Honourable mentions: Quentin Tarantino

Like a city boy, but even more tragic. And fucking everywhere! Especially Slug & Lettuce.

Honourable mentions: Renton (Trainspotting)

You may think this guy is perfect, with his radical left wing politics and stubble, but actually he’s just a Prosecco loving soft liberal slug like everyone else, made more annoying by his hard on for Ash Sarkar and jealousy of Owen Jones. “I’ve been saying this stuff for years,” he says, after reading one of Jones’s tweets. “I’ve really researched it, you know? I wrote a book proposal too, actually. Just never got round to sending it.” He was shocked when no one messaged him to say thank you for adding “he/his” to his Twitter bio. He puts his hand over your mouth when he cums. He calls Corbyn “daddy”, which makes it even more uncomfortable when he asks you to call him the same when he’s inside you.

Honourable mentions: skaters, softbois, Soundcloud rappers, spoken word poets, Silicon Valley

Sorry but any guy with a man bun who says he can make you cum without touching you is a knob (even if it’s true).

Honourable mentions: Tinder

Only a fool hypes his own sexual prowess. And the world is full of fools. Most of the time, you can see straight through this male posturing, however much he recalls the time his ex girlfriend called him "Mr Pussy". Occasionally, you slip up. He jabs three (cold) fingers in your “hole”, and you sigh deeply, from mental exhaustion, not ecstasy.

Honourable mentions: u up

Not all vegans are animal rights activists, and not all animal rights activists are bad. But if this is a big enough part of his personality for him to be labelled as “the vegan guy” in your mental fuckboy list, then he definitely possesses the worst qualities of these two groups. T

Honourable mentions: valium, validation

There are two kinds of weed guy. First: the one you "date" for five weeks until you realise you haven’t hung-out together outside his flat since halfway through your second date. Then you become friends with benefits and share a beautiful non-committal relationship that involves cannabis, Netflix documentaries and extensive oral sex. Second: the guy who discovered weed two years ago and has since become obsessed with researching strains and moving to Colorado to set up a grow house. Only one will actually smoke weed with you.

Honourable mentions: wys

Get ready to never enjoy anything again thanks to XR guy! He joined Extinction Rebellion last year after the April protests, despite never even using the recycling bin, and now it is all he fucking talks about. Fancy a Coke from the shop when you’re out? Think of the plastic! Fancy a Saturday morning lie-in? He’s got plans to ride a bike very slowly with a megaphone. Shag? Every 20s he’ll check a new notification from his 50,000 group chats. And you can’t even complain because what he’s doing is technically good, although he’s still struggling to understand why you won’t share the video of him shaking hands with a policeman at the sit in. Anyway, he’s going to shag a girl with pink hair called "Sequoia" from his affinity group.

Honourable mentions: Xanax

I’m not saying fuckboy heartbreak is your fault but did you really need to message back the man who came on your back and threw a dirty sock at you to mop it up? Come on.

Honourable mentions: yuck

The stage beyond a ghost; the living dead; back to life. WhatsApps you “Wys tonight?” when you haven’t spoken for six months.

Honourable mentions: zaddy, Zayn

@iamhelenthomas / @esmerelduh