The infantilising mechanics of elite football's production line have a lot to answer for.
The group chat – where history's worst ideas have a home.
"I thought Barcelona were trying to personally humiliate me by scoring more goals."
Football tells us a great deal about England and how it sees the rest of the world.
Every era has its cult players. In the 2010s, ours were meme footballers – and one man, Phil Jones, stands out as the first among equals.
I have a theory explaining why Brits love to fight after a night out – and the same theory explains why football has become more tribal than ever.
At a club once known for its dignity, it took just 42 home minutes for fans to turn on the former 'Invincible'.
Hello darkness, my old friend.
Partly thanks to Caglar Soyuncu, their new teenage vampire prince.
Chat box trolls! Worrying about Alan Brazil! Cocaine!
His legion of fanboys might argue otherwise, but the squad's one-time star is now a phantom of a footballer.
From the look of last night's game, both sides might want to look to their youngest players to do just that.