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Health Officials Ask You to Please Masturbate, Because of Coronavirus

"Kissing can spread COVID-19 and rimming might spread it," the NYC health department warns.

by Samantha Cole
Mar 24 2020, 5:14pm

Getting Images / collage by Vice

An NYC government health organization is telling people to jerk off, due to coronavirus.

Posted by the official Twitter account of the NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, the tweet says "Kissing can spread COVID-19 and rimming might spread it... You are your safest sex partner. Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water." With a bunch of peach and tongue emojis.

Rimming? In this economy? From my Department of Health and Mental Hygiene? I'll allow it.... But I have to say, this tweet is just a few emojis off from being one of those chain texts about the "WORLD HOE ORGANIZATION 💦 recommending you start TWERKING from home 👄👌👈"

Chaotic horniness aside, this is good advice. Masturbation relieves stress and is a coping mechanism that works (in moderation, of course), and de-stressing is a proven way to support your immune system.

This tweet echoes advice posted by the NYC health department last week in a longer memo about safe sex to avoid spreading COVID-19, including only fucking people you live with (hello, roommates) and being especially careful about where you come in contact with saliva or mucus. Yep, that includes cunnilingus and anilingus.

If self-isolation means you're down to you and your own digits, the NYC health department suggests washing up really well after. If you're looking for inspiration, the genre of coronavirus porn is only growing—just be sure to pay up for your porn, since porn performers are already suffering from production stops and lost work.

Tagged:
Health
NYC
Coronavirus