Get a Free Burger on Valentine's Day for the Low, Low Price of Your Dignity

Happy Valentine's Day from the brands, who want to turn your heartbreak into free stuff!
February 7, 2020, 4:54pm
Photo courtesy Hooters; Photo courtesy Burger King

For those of us who wanted to once and for all say "fuck off" to a garbage pile of an ex, wildlife centers were on top of it last Valentine's Day. There was the Oregon-based wildlife center that let people name a salmon after their ex so it could then be fed to a hungry bear, and the Texas zoo that did the same with cockroaches fed to meerkats, just like your ex deserves.

February 14 is just a week away, but we can't say we're quite as impressed by any of the Valentine's Day revenge stunts this year—especially since so many of them are just more pandering from brands. But let's admit it: Valentine's Day is a fake holiday anyway, and everyone celebrating in the conventional ways is kind of embarrassing themselves by buying into it.

If plenty of people out there are willing to be seen in public holding giant teddy bears, then why shouldn't the rest of us debase ourselves a little on Valentine's Day in order to get free stuff? That's the real definition of self-love—that and buying bags of discounted chocolate to shovel down the next day.

Burn your ex's clothes at Torchy's

Did you kick your ex to the curb so fast that you've still got a pile of their grubby band shirts? Great! Austin-based chain Torchy's Tacos has got your back. True to its name, the taco spot is offering to "take and dispose of—as in set on fire" any of your ex's clothes, according to Patch. The reward is, sadly, a free shirt instead of free food.

Kiss anyone or literally anything at Qdoba

Qdoba is yet again running its "Qdoba for a Kiss" promotion, which is inexplicably in its 10th year. All you have to do for a buy one, get one free entree is plant a kiss on literally anything: a partner, a cup, a burrito—honestly, it seems like anything goes here. Downsides: a little desperate. Upside: a free burrito bowl to eat your feelings.

Trade a picture of your ex for free Burger King

Scorned lovers can drop a photo of their exes into a "breakup box" at Burger King for a free Whopper in a doubly-branded whammy with the film Birds of Prey, in which Harley Quinn has finally dumped that Riff Raff-looking Joker. Burger King provided reassurance via press release that photos will be "destroyed upon completion of the activation." Whether a printed photo of a dumpster is allowed as a stand-in for your ex remains to be seen, but we encourage you to try.

"Shred your ex" for wings at Hooter's

Just as Hooter's has done for several years in a row, the wing chain will shred pictures of exes in exchange for 10 free boneless wings. You do have to buy 10 wings to activate the deal and you do unfortunately have to actually go to Hooter's, but hey, there are sadder ways to spend Valentine's Day. At least there's free food involved.