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An Atlanta Man Claimed He Was Too Good-Looking to Be Guilty of Raping a Woman

A man claimed he was too good-looking to have raped a woman, a toe-sucking fetishist sucked a woman's toes in a big-box store, and some idiots thought Seattle cops reopened the Kurt Cobain suicide investigation.

by Rick Paulas
Mar 23 2014, 10:09pm

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

An Atlanta man on trial for kidnapping, raping, and robbing a woman is playing the boldest card in the book: He's saying he couldn't have raped the victim because he's too “good looking,” TIME reported. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. He's so fucking sexy, no woman could have been raped by him, because no woman—or man for that matter—would have rejected his advances. This is his actual defense. The most disturbing part is that this is his second trial, because the first one resulted in a hung jury because one juror actually believed the guy was too damn good looking to rape someone! 

On the grand scale of sexual fetishes, toe sucking is pretty normal. It's the primetime network TV of sexual activities—it's not exactly for sexual newbies, who would certainly mangle the act with awkward hesitancy, but everyone else should give it a whirl. It should be relatively easy to find someone to consent to having her toes sucked, but in Lincolnton, North Carolina, according to the Smoking Gun, the only way for someone to fulfill this sexual urge is to waltz into a big-box store's shoe department, pretend you're a podiatry student, get a woman to try on different pairs of shoes, and then quickly suck her toes before running out. Don't believe me? Well, then ask Michael A. Brown, who was arrested for pulling this toe-sucking trick this week. 

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Disappointment is a pretty common experience on the internet, whether you're reading fanboy rants about so-and-so starring in the latest CGI adaptation of their precious childhood obsession or lurking the comments sections of, well, anything. There's also the disappointment of clicking a link that claims to be breaking news, but actually contains nothing newsworthy at all. Nothing explifies this phenomenon better than the stories that claimed Kurt Cobain's suicide investigation had been reopened. In case you haven't heard, Detective Mike Ciesynski decided to process a few undeveloped photos from the Kurt case file. Why would he do such a thing? Because they have new evidence that suggests Courtney Love was responsible like we all thought! No, you idiots. It's because, as Mike said, he's “a cold case detective” and “it is 20 years later, and it’s a high media case.” In other words, the guy was probably bored and doing busy work so his boss wouldn't think he was slacking. At least, as a slacker who has been lazy at every job I've had, that's what I think. 

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