All in the name of science. Photos by James Stafford
Free of the trappings of their denim jeans, the girls’ farts now
have only a thin covering of delicate lace to travel through from their rectums to Dave’s nose. Couple that factor with the news that they’ve been gulping down more bean sprouts, and the air of anticipation for round two is like the gay enclosure at Wimbledon, Andy Roddick vs. Thomas Johansson, match point.
First up this time is Sophie, who saunters over and lets rip yet another totally silent fart.
“Hmm,” muses Dave. “This is more like rubber, or a burning tire. I can’t tell what food it is. Well, it’s probably a bit cliché to say this, but I’d go for sprouts.”
Spent of gas, Sophie totters off and Jasmine enters the fray, bending over and letting loose the final toot of the tournament. Once again, to the amazement (and not a little disappointment) of all gathered, it is silent!
Dave’s face wrinkles. “This is like a cigarette. It… smells like fire… a cigarette… a burning fire. This is more pungent, this one… than the first one. And yes, there’s no noise at all. No audible sound. Still, I have to say that my favorite fart is the first.”
RESULT: Carnivore 0 / Herbivore 2
OFFICIAL RESULT: MEAT EATERS MAKE STINKIER FARTS THAN VEGETARIANS.
While the girls get dressed, we sit down with Dave as he goes over the last few frenetic minutes.
Ever the gentleman, he concedes, “Well, first off, I’ve definitely smelled a lot worse. They were certainly not as bad as ones I’ve made. I’m glad it wasn’t two blokes’ farts I had to smell. To be honest, my favorite farts were the veggie ones. Like I say, neither were unpleasant but the meat ones were a… less nice smell. Put it that way. As for the veggie ones, they might not have been farts at all. It could have been what I described it as—autumn leaves. It could have been a scented candle.
“I would say to the ladies, if you want to keep your farts smelling nice, go vegetarian!”
Jasmine the meat-eater’s reaction? “He must have a cold.”
Further proof that vegetarians who maintain a balanced diet have a healthier digestive system than dominatrixes who eat KFC came when both the girls were instructed to sit down on the toilet and make a BM so that Dave could test that too.
Jasmine tried for about five minutes, but was unable to pass a pebble. Sophie, whose personal maxim is “Vegetarians RULE!” emerged from the john with a look of accomplishment on her face and two cute little lady parcels in the toilet bowl.
So, Dave, how is it?
“Well, the shit’s very pale compared to what mine would be. It’s almost pale green in color. It sank, but I don’t know what that means. There’s hardly any smell at all. I wouldn’t call it pleasant. but it isn’t that bad.”
After this experiment would you consider going vegetarian?
No, because I need the protein for bodybuilding. You can get protein from other sources, but not as efficiently. Vegetarians can go on about protein, but you show me 100 grams of chicken breast next to 100 grams of vegetables. Like for like? It would never compare.