Since the dawn of time, humans have created instruments in their attempts to express the human condition through the medium of sound, and most of them have sucked ass. There are hundreds and hundreds of instruments, each more useless than the last. Does the world need so many instruments? We submit that it does not. In an attempt to weed out the bad ones we’ve compiled this list of the 69 worst ones. (Also, we didn’t list 69 to be funny, it’s just the way it shook out. Speaking of shaking out, maracas suck, also.)
69. Flying V Guitar
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The Rob Schneider of guitars.
68. Bassoon
This looks like a flute with its shoelaces untied.
67. Steel Drum
Goes to Margaritaville once…
66. Vuvuzela
Imagine how lame you’d have to be to get banned from soccer.
65. Bagpipes
More like buttpipes.
64. Fugazi’s Instrument
Doesn’t even have “Waiting Room” on it.
63. Xylophone
The only thing a xylophone is good for is using the X in Scrabble.
62. Trombone
Ska instrument. Disqualified.
61. Trumpet
Ska instrument. Disqualified.
60. Texas Instruments
Worse than a regular calculator because you can’t even write BOOBIES upside-down with all this graph nerd shit in the way.
59. Violin
The favorite instrument of the 1%. The violin has definitely called the cops on a cookout before.
58. Fiddle
The violin’s red state cousin who posts a bunch of MAGA shit on Facebook.
57. The Long Guitar
It’s bigger and has fewer strings. What dumBASS invented that?
56. The Beeping That Goes Off in the VICE Office Every Five Fucking Minutes
WHERE IS IT COMING FROM? JASON, IF THIS IS COMING FROM YOUR COMPUTER WE WILL REPORT YOUR ASS TO HR.
55. Glockenspiel
How can something that starts with “glock” be so lame?
54. Speak & Spell
The glockenspiel for kids.
53. Triangle
The default instrument for band kids desperate for extracurriculars on their college applications.
52. Tambourine
Like if someone glued a bunch of triangles together.
51. Bugle
An instrument named after a brand of corn chip that causes anal leakage.
50. Shofar
Pros: Brought down the walls of Jericho
Cons: Not responsible for even one banger
49. The Drum
Jesus shoulda beat the little drummer boy’s ass for bringing this as a gift.
48. Double Guitar
So you can annoy twice as many people at Guitar Center.
47. Lute
You’re not gonna get laid at Ren Faire, dude.
46. Stethoscope
Cold as fuck.
45. Cello
I love this instrument and its curvy body. As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to instruments on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier, instruments that the average (basic) bro might refer to as “chubby” or even “fat.” Then, as I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and how the media marginalizes instruments by portraying a very narrow and very specific standard of beauty (thin, tall, lean) I realized how many music fans have bought into that lie.
45. Clarinet
It sure does blow!
44. Flute
It sure does blow!
43. Piccolo
It sure does blow!
42. Basset Horn
It sure does blow!
41. Kazoo
It sure does blow!
40. Saxophone
More like sexophone. Just kidding, it sure does blow!
39. Sackbut
Is that really the name of this thing? Good lord.
38. Oboe
The oboe? More like the oh-no.
37. Ukulele
Pukelele.
36. Marimba
Every motherfucker who heard that Midori Takada album on YouTube thinks they can play malleted percussion now.
35. Singing Saw
Cool instruments don’t come from Home Depot.
34. Drum Machine
Actually drum machines are kinda cool because they put a lot of drum nerds out of work.
33. 808 Cowbell
Only good use is when this kid ate raw pasta as the sample played.
32. Accordion
Look at this shit.
31. CDJs
Objectively not an instrument.
30. Fife
No one wants to hear you play the fife, dawg.
29. Harp
The herpes of music. Harpes.
28. Voice
Yeah, you could use it to hit a wide range of notes or you could use it to shut daaa fuk up.
27. Banjo
We’ve seen Deliverance.
26. Björk
We wish it was oh so quiet.
25. Harmonica
Nothing cooler than looking like you’re wearing orthodontic headgear.
24. Saxophone
Pretty sure we already listed this one but fuck this Lisa Simpson-ass instrument.
23. Tuba
Who named this? Did you see it one day and say, “Looks like a tube… UH?” Pathetic.
22. Bazooka
Doesn’t blow anything up.
21. Spoons
These are for eating.
20. Tuning fork
Also for eating.
19. Pitch Pipe
Can’t even smoke out of it.
18. Sheet Music
Just a bunch of paper.
17. Stradivarius
Some inbred family made a fancy fiddle and we’re supposed to give a shit?
16. Wah Pedal
15. The Large Piano from the Movie BIG
Wow, Robert Loggia stepped on you, join the club.
14. Microphone
The go-to instrument for lame white rappers.
13. The Sound of Everyone’s Amber Alert Going Off at Once
YEAH WE GET IT PATRICIA YOUR KID IS MISSING
12. Muted Post Horn Tattoo
Yeah we studied comp lit in the 90s too.
11. The Beam
A good way to end up in a band with John Mayer.
10. Kora
This looks like a scale-model bridge.
9. Those Stupid Farting Mufflers on Fast & the Furious-looking Cars
Vin Diesel is rolling over in his grave.
8. Piano
How about don’t play me a song, Piano Man.
7. Organ
Like if a piano was a virgin for religious reasons.
6. Hands
Ayyy we got your sound of one hand clapping right here! [We were gonna put the jackoff motion here but then we had a long, productive discussion about using gendered language like that and decided against it, in our small attempt at resisting the heteronormative language that’s become pervasive online]
5. Keytar
The only good part about playing the piano was sitting down and some idiot ruined it.
4. Crash Cymbal
Wow some genius had the brilliant idea to smash two instruments together, congrats.
3. Hi-hat
Neither high, nor a hat. Discuss.
2. Jug
Jugs were the Monster Energy cans of their time.
1. Guitar
Overrated.
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