Are You A Cunt?

Photo by Retna Pictures

1: Your former best friend has a NEW best friend, and the two of them totally ignore you out as they parade down the school halls with their arms locked together. To retaliate, you decide to:
A Host a pity party, with yourself as the only guest.
B Confront your friend about it—preferably in front of a crowd, for maximum scene-creating potential.
C Find a new best friend, lock arms with her, and “accidentally” run your former best friend over as the two of you steamroll your way to math class.

2: Your best friend suddenly has a steady boyfriend, making you feel like a total lesbian. To save face, you:
A Claim to be a lesbian.
B Grab the first available boy you see, inform him that the two of you are now going steady, and smother him with your personality.
C Spray-paint “(Your friend’s name here) is a lesbian” all over the bathroom walls. Then kick her head in and steal her boyfriend.

3: Everyone is suddenly into some band that you’ve never even heard of. To avoid looking totally uncool, you:
A Buy and/or download every song they ever recorded in a desperate attempt to catch up.
B Pretend you only like music recorded before 1996, “Back when music was REAL, man!”
C Track down the lead singer of said band and become his Yoko Ono, thus serving as a catalyst to his band’s speedy demise. Then tell the press you never liked their music anyway as you sue for a percentage of their royalties.

4: Some goth chick accuses you of being a hippie. You have no idea why she called you that or why it’s even an insult, but sensing it IS an insult, you retort:
A “What’s wrong with that? At least hippies care about the environment!”
B “But aren’t goths just hippies in black and white?”
C “Oh, I’m sorry! I thought you were a REAL vampire!” (after stabbing her in the chest).

5: There’s a new girl in school, and she doesn’t know a single soul. To help her acclimate to her new surroundings, you:
A Avoid her like the plague, so no one will know you’re just as tragic and desperate as she is.
B Promise to be her “friend” as long as she carries your books for you and does your homework.
C Same as B, only accuse her of being “clingy” and hurl her down the stairs the moment anyone assumes you really ARE friends.

6: Someone wore the same exact outfit as you to your friend’s birthday party. Mortified, you:
A Pretend the two of you PLANNED it that way, even if you’ve never even met before.
B Claim that “I thought this outfit was cool—until I saw it on YOU.” Then call your mother and have her deliver a different outfit.
C “Accidentally” spill punch on the other girl’s outfit. And ice cream and cake. And India ink. And Quaker State motor oil. Keep on accidentally spilling until she gets the hint and changes into overalls.

7: You just got your class pictures back. Your best friend looks gorgeous in hers, while your head appears to be melting in yours. You:
A Say nothing, while silently praying no one else notices that you are hideous.
B Tell your friend that she’s very photogenic—as long as the angle and lighting is just right, and she isn’t having her period or wearing her hair up or making that creepy smile of hers.
C Kill your friend.

8: You’re playing volleyball in gym today, and you HATE volleyball. To make matters worse, your just got your period. Your way of dealing with such unpleasantries is to:
A Tell the gym teacher you’ve got bad cramps, even if you don’t. Then go to the nurse’s office and load up on Midol.
B Pretend you’ve gone punk, and that you will no longer partake in “preppie pastimes” like volleyball. Then you smirk, spit, and skulk about in your non-regulation black socks.
C Bleed all over the gym floor. Then take advantage when your opponent slips in it by spiking her in the mouth.

9: You’ve just gotten a D- in science, which means you’re grounded! To celebrate your stupidity, you:
A Resolve to study harder, if only to avoid having to take class with the dumb kids next year.
B Play the victim! Tell your parents that your teacher is prejudiced—against good-looking people.
C Get even with your parents by dating a colored boy.

10: You failed to make the cheerleading squad. You react to this serious derailment of all your social-climbing dreams by:
A Sitting in your room in the dark all weekend, making little cuts in your forearm with a razor blade.
B Claiming you quit the squad before you got cut, once you realized how “unbelievably stupid” cheerleading is.
C Giving herpes to the entire football team—who then pass it on to their cheerleader girlfriends. Vengeance is yours!