There are many reasons why being a girl really blows sometimes. A couple of the main culprits are the objects that sprout on our chests once we hit puberty. There are quite a few names for these bothersome bits: boobs, melons, titties, headlights, knockers, fun bags, dirty pillows, milk boxes, jugs, etc. The scientific name, however, is “breasts.”

They magically appear at different times for everyone, although some never get much of a bosom at all. The following history won’t be of much interest to the lucky bastards who were given the genetic gift and freedom that is having small breasts (mosquito bites), it’s for people like me who were cursed with cans, and have to wear these bullshit expensive garments called bras.

Bras or brassieres as the French called them have been around longer than you think. As far back as the 15th BC century female athletes from the Minoan civilization wore bikini like items as rack restraints. In the 16th century they became popular with the rest of the world, when the rich began wearing corsets as a way to hold down the jiggly part on a ladies abdomen while molding the chesticles into two fleshy bulbs that spilled over dress collars. These hellish girdles were simple bodices stiffened with whalebones, and tied so tight women would often break bones and pass out due to lack of oxygen. 400 years later after people finally realized this was the shittiest thing ever created, items resembling the bras we wear today became fashionable.

In the 20s and 30s bras were often designed to flatten women’s mounds and keep them hidden in order to maintain the boyish figure that was popular at the time.

By the 40s and 50s, ladies had decided they wanted their tits to poke out of their sweaters like mini torpedoes, hence The Bullet Bra.

The bullet shape continued to be a hit all the way into the 1960s. But by the end of the decade women began questioning the need for all that uncomfortable crap and calling bullshit on sweat cone conformity.

In the decadent 70s everyone was doing lots of drugs, having lots of sex, and basically not caring about anything. At this point women either let their headlights hang low or they invested in the Nipple Bra. All the support of a regular bra but with a natural shape that either said: Super turned on, or just really cold. Companies also sold bras that looked “no bra natural” or were apparently as comfortable as going nude, but that’s nonsense because bras are still mega annoying even now.

The undergarments of the 80s continued that same comfort first theme. Meaning the designs were relatively boring: until padded bras became a must have towards the end of the 80’s. Usually worn by the sort of girls who wanted to have bigger melons like all the metal video sluts on MTV.

Jean Paul Gaultier’s rediscovery of the bra as big chest missile for Madonna’s Blonde Ambition tour ended up the most famous bra ever. For the rest of the decade dress-bra and dance-pant ensembles were all over the tube, Kelly Bundy and Kelly Kapowski made the bra top popular on Married with Children and Saved by the Bell, and they even touched upon the underwear as clothing trend on Seinfeld when Elaine’s friend caused a car crash when she began wearing a bra as a regular shirt.

ANNETTE LAMOTHE-RAMOS