Hey, we heard you like lists, so we made another fucking list. Anyways it’s the holidays or whatever and if you work in retail your weird day dreams are probably metastisizing into violent fantasies as the boss’s Christmas playlist continues to loop nauseatingly every 46 minutes. I mean, how many times can you hear about mommy kissing Santa Claus while wrapping snow globes at Yankee Candle without pulling a Half Baked on those motherfuckers and dropping the mic for eternity?
We figure it’s probably better to skewer the canon of Christmas carolling classics than to skewer a customer with a festively decorated candelabra, am I right? So here’s to that pitch black wad of hate that’s hardening just behind your sternum, and let’s hope you can find a healthy outlet for all that yuletide alienation. And while you’re at it, you can make fun of dance music’s most misunderstood contingent! Those silly fuckers.
Videos by VICE
Nothing brings tears to my eyes like the wintry magic of Harry’s lonely Christmas at Hogwarts while all of his chums are off on holiday with their wizard families. Being a lonely Jew on Christmas I totally know the feeling, so… solidarity, my dude.
