practice practice

But if you’re a pussy and feel more at ease wrapping your dick up in a cute little latex blankie then I suppose you should at least be informed of your options. The guys at the office sent me nearly 20 varieties of condoms on a Wednesday and asked me to review them by Friday. It’s like they were trying to kill me. I haven’t had that much sex in a 48-hour period since I was 19 and had no job. Don’t they know that I’ve been married for seven long months? Sex isn’t the same as it is when you first get married. Those first months are like two rapists covered in K-Y Jelly locked in a jail cell with no food or water. As time passes the humping gets less and less frequent, and as fall turns to winter it becomes almost nonexistent. If I came anywhere close to using all the condoms they sent in two days I was bound to have a heart attack, so I just chose a few that seemed the most interesting.

Rating System 1 finger: 2 fingers: 3 fingers: 4 fingers: The Fist:

FC Female Condom

The acronym FC isn’t bad, but to call it FC Female Condom is a bit redundant. My wife refused to use the female condom. I couldn’t even figure out how it worked.

Score: 1 finger

Kiss Kondoms

The only good thing about Kiss was their makeup but sadly these don’t have Gene Simmons’s face at the base, nor do they make your penis red like his crazy-long tongue. Nope. They’re just plain, boring, clear condoms. The one I got was Paul Stanley’s “Studded Paul.” Wasn’t Paul Stanley the gay one? Does using a gay man’s condom automatically make me gay?

Score: 2 fingers

Durex pleasuremax tingling

Remember that Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry David put the condom on inside out and completely numbed himself? Yeah, it seems pretty funny until it happens to you.

Score: 2 fingers

Rough Rider Hot Passion

I chose this one because the box has a comic-book-style drawing of a girl on a motorcycle (Get it? Rough Rider?) and I like comic books and I figured maybe it would give me superpowers in the bedroom. It did not. It did seem to warm my wife’s innards, although I don’t think it made her hot. Maybe it was trying to make her hot and I was negating its effects by lying on my back with a pen and notebook repeating, “Are you hot? No? OK. How about now? Are you hot now? No? OK. OK. OK. How about now? Hot?”

Score: 4 fingers

Pleasure Plus

I suppose if I had to make one condom the official condom of the Williamsburg rockabilly scene or the Harlem jazz movement it would be this one. I’m not sure if you can see the picture on the box but the damn thing looks like an old Shure microphone from the 50s, which isn’t exactly erotic or sex-inducing, but it does make for a good time when your girl has had too much sangria and uses your wrapped penis to pretend she’s Billie Holiday.

Score: The Fist

For more Chris go to Chrisnieratko.com or Njskateshop.com.