Who on the planet doesn’t have regrets about their devirginization? I’m not talking about the girl who got her period the second you figured out where to put it in or the future convict who took your flower on April Fool’s Day as a joke on you, but the person or the job or the situation that made you feel dead to the world, dim and gray as a window-washer’s chamois. What if you could somehow squeegee that shit off your soul and reclaim your innocence in only seven minutes utilizing state-of-the-art astral projection techniques, emerging for 2009 fresh as the Snuggle fabric softener teddy bear? New Age healer Debra Moonstone claims she can help you do this with her New Life Purification Chamber™, which is coming to Glasslands tomorrow night. I asked her what will happen to me if I step inside.

Vice: What does the revirgninizing process entail?
Debra Moonstone: Revirginization has achieved some attention from the mainstream media recently, mostly regarding either the physical method (called hymenorrhaphy) or the Christian method of spiritual revirginization. My process is more akin to the latter, though I am aligned with New Age religion as opposed to Christianity. In general, New Age philosophy holds that our bodies are only a very small part of our being, and that our true form is largely spiritual. It follows that virginity is more spiritual than physical, and, like enlightenment, this spiritual virginity can be rediscovered once it has been “lost”…with proper knowledge of course. In this case that knowledge comes in the form of guided meditation supplemented by books and a DVD.

So what exactly do you do to people? Am I crazy or does this involve some kind of chamber?
I lead clients in a guided meditation that helps achieve a spiritual state of revirginity, the same way that meditation can eventually lead to various stages of “enlightenment.” I usually lead the revirginizing meditation live, in small groups or one-on-one sessions, but since I can’t make the event tonight we have constructed a chamber that allows guests to experience the guided meditation via an instructional video. It really is a gorgeous chamber, built in the shape of a rose quartz crystal (which has many healing powers).

Wow. I get what you mean about the spiritual side of it, but do you feel like it has physical effect as well?
It’s a spiritual transformation, there is no physical effect on your pelvic region.

How will it make me feel afterward? What are the aftereffects?
The benefits of feeling revirginized are manifold: more energy, weight loss, clearer skin, and better sleeping habits have all been reported to me from past clients. I myself feel physically lighter and warmer after a revirginization (I do it on myself about once a year).

How did you figure out that it works?
I joined the New Age church about 10 years ago (I’m 40 now, though you’d never guess it!) and felt an instant kinship with the enormous potential of affirmations, crystals, and deep life-recall. My teachers passed on to me the basic techniques of altering consciousness through meditation, and I began conducting my own investigations into the effects of meditation on virginity. I have achieved miraculous results, as have the hundreds of people that have bought my book.

Where else do you do this?
I do most of my work in Santa Barbara, though I teach all around the country. I also have a home in Connecticut where I do private counseling.

Who are your clients?
People come to me from all walks of life: rich, poor, married, divorced, students. Anyone you can imagine. We all have regrets, things that make us feel shameful and unclean. It’s part of the human experience. I want to help people rise above the illusion of human limitation and glimpse a small part of their true form, which is not human but divine, infinite and eternal.

Sounds good.

LIZ ARMSTRONG