A bone-session without music is like a salad without blue cheese, AKA waste of my time. A silent sex fiesta means being forced to listen to genital sloshing, smacking kisses, and also depending on the P to V ratio, maybe a queef or two. Also, if you have roommates, music can cover up the monkey screaming that goes on during “game time.” The point is that music during whoopee = The Right Stuff. Did you know that covering up the sounds of consummation was actually the reason that music was invented? Look up Dr. Jonathan Music if you don’t believe me (actually, don’t look it up).

The challenge of curating a make-out playlist, however, is that it’s hard to always pick the right songs. When it comes to setting the mood you don’t want to be too obvious (Al Green) but you also don’t want to go too obscure (Watergate recordings). It’s all about finding that sweet spot…and also picking the right music. Zing!  

Putting on groovy tunes is also useful because then you can find out if your partner in crime(s of passion) actually has good taste. I put on Mariah Carey’s “Vision of Love” during a smooch sesh once and the guy was like, “Could you change this song?” And I was like, “Could you get the fuck out of my house.” Just kidding, what I actually said was, “Leave now.” The point is if you don’t like the same music, you probably also don’t agree about a lot of other important shit and the next thing you know you’re getting a divorce because you want the kids to go public school so they can be “street smart” and he wants to send them to St. Anns!  

I asked my best guy friend Jeff if he puts on music during fuck-play and he said no. “I get too stressed out that I’m gonna set the wrong mood with a particular song or band. I don’t want to worry about being a good lover AND like, a good college radio DJ. I usually just turn on a fan or the AC so my housemates can’t hear anything.”

I feel you, Jeff. People are definitely snobs about music. But that’s why you need a selection of fail-proof tunes. Below is such a list.

Rose Surnow’s universal sexy go-tos for all snobs and retards:

Nina Simone
Ray Charles
Smokey Robinson
Jorge Ben
Solomon Burke
Portishead
Cocteau Twins
Bryan Ferry
Frankie Rose

Basically either go soul/motown or sexy goth.

What you should absolutely NOT DO under any circumstances is bust out your acoustic guitar and your diary and “play a little something” you made up. That happened to me in college once. I was hanging out with a hot, brain-dead surfer and we were at his apartment when he busted out his guitar. “I want to play something for you that I wrote,” he said. “Cool, let me just grab my gun,” I wanted to say. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a gun so I had to sit there in silence while he sang the lyrics, “I feel dead inside” for three straight minutes. It was the single biggest boner-killer I’ve ever experienced. When he was done all I could say was, “I feel dead inside too now. Now shut up so we can make out.”

@rosesurnow