SHOOTING CHLAMYDIA IN THE FACE

Computer games about sex have a big effect on the kids who play them. In the first Leisure Suit Larry game, if you failed to equip a condom before attempting to have sex with a prostitute, you would die. That had a pretty big impact on me. The game also gave you two hours to get Larry laid, otherwise he’d commit suicide. That also had a pretty big impact on me. Now there’s a new game about to be released, one where the action takes place inside both a vagina and an asshole. One for the lil bro’s birthday.

When some bright spark at Channel 4 threw a bunch of cash at Zombie Cow studios to make a free edutainment game to promote safe sex, I’m pretty certain they weren’t prepared for the vaginal frontier of Privates.

The game sees you direct a squad of hard-charging marines with condoms on their heads as they blast their way through the foreboding pubic hair forests of the mons pubis, a vagina, the throat, the windswept plains of somebody’s nutsack, and a final, nightmarish slog through a rectum. The strategy of the game is deciding on which weapon in the privates’ arsenal to use on which STD. Herpes? You’ll need the antiviral bazooka.

Privates is about as subversive as edutainment comes. I mean; it’s a game aimed at 13-year-old boys in which you blast your way through a cavernous vagina. And if it stops just one kid from catching the clap, that’s awesome.

I talked to project lead Dan Marshall about shooting Chlamydia in the face.

Vice: How exactly did you manage to convince Channel 4 to give you money for a game set inside a vagina? It’s not something I can imagine Jon Snow playing between commercial breaks.
Dan:The first time I went into Channel 4 with the idea for Privates I’d just bought a new jumper, and you know how it is when you’re wearing a new jumper, you just sort of exude confidence? Well it was like that, and I think that’s what won it.

Is it because Privates has an edutainment message?
Ack, no. It has educational content, and was designed with that in mind, but it’s a shooter first and foremost. It just so happens that the things you’re shooting are genuine infections, in the hopes of teaching certain people a little thing or two about safe sex. But no, never “edutainment,” simply because of the whiff associated with that word.

To my knowledge, this is the first game set inside of a vagina. There aren’t any others, right?
There probably are, but nothing like this. Since we announced Privates I’ve been introduced to a game called Cunt by Edward McMillen. That’s something to behold.

Christ. Looks like Edward did his research. What kind of visual research did you and the team do? That pubic hair forest creeps me out.
It was both brilliant and utterly horrible. For every stray Google image search that brings up a bare pretty lady in her altogether, there are plenty more with people with lesions, sores and holes in their winkies. Sadly there wasn’t all that much call for Googling healthy, pleasant-looking vaginas. Didn’t stop us, obviously.

Somebody on Twitter said the featured vagina looks like Sarah Jessica Parker’s. Can you reveal the identity of the vagina? Or will each level be set in a new orifice?
It’s not all vaginas and they’re certainly not famous peoples’ bits. At the moment they’re anonymous vaginas and what-have-you, and I expect it’ll stay that way. Putting a name to it’s weird, kind of like when people give names to chickens they know they’re going to kill and eat and when it comes down to it it’s all just a little bit more unpleasant. Like that, only with vaginas instead of chickens, obviously. And yes, each level is set in a fresh area, so to speak.

What’s the mission of the marines in Privates?
The guy you play is this tough veteran SAS type, and he’s being forced to lead a load of useless privates from Foxtrot Squad around various different missions, in the hopes that they’ll learn a thing or two. So the missions are pretty standalone, although there’s some character progression up to the finale. You’ll need to look after them, and make sure at least one of them survives to the end or it’s all over.

In one of the screen shots, you can see our heroes fending off a swarm of evil sperm. What other enemies will the marines encounter?
There’s a lot of sperm in the game. They’re not naturally vicious, they’re just there doing their thing, but you don’t want to get in their way because they’ll knock you flying. There are various other enemies. All of the good ones are in there, like Chlamydia and Herpes–we’ll be introducing them in the coming weeks.

After the free Channel 4 downloadable, you’re hoping to get Privates on Xbox Live Indie Games service, which is moderated by other developers, and not Microsoft. Has developing this as both PC downloadable and XLIG had an impact upon any production decisions, perhaps in terms of content?
Not at all. It’s a risk we’re going to have to take, but I’m sure those who take part in the peer review process will have a fair and balanced crack at the game before passing judgment. The game obviously conforms to certain guidelines–there’s no swearing or nudity in it, for example. Everything’s at a near cellular level and pretty abstract; there’s nothing in there that should get peeps all hot under the collar. Here’s hoping, anyway.

What’s your favorite word for vagina? I’m currently quite hooked on “foo.”
It’s described at one point in the game as “a lady’s choo-choo,” which I really like. I think it’s because a big burly gruff marine’s saying it at the time.

Privates will be a free PC download from the Channel 4 and E4 websites this summer. An Xbox 360 downloadable will follow, probably costing a few quid.