Shuffle and Splooge – The Last Splooge

“Poker Face” by Lady Gaga

He was on top sliding rhythmically in and out of me. I kept eye contact and prayed he couldn’t see the film that was playing behind my eyes. In my mind there wasn’t a cock inside me, but rather a large purple dildo strapped to a tattooed domme. With him I’m doomed to the same mundane penetration over and over again. With my fantasy mistress, that cock can change sizes, colors, shapes, perhaps even vibrate or provide double penetration. Whatever she feels like punishing me with. Whoever thinks that all lesbians can do is scissor is a Todd Akin-level fucktard.

“Choke me,” I said out loud. When it’s love, if it isn’t rough it isn’t fun. He hungrily moaned and wrapped his hand around my neck. “Like this bitch?” Maybe he was more tuned in to my dirty mind than I thought. I gasped for air and closed my eyes, rubbing my clit as I returned to her.

“Thinkin’ About You” by Frank Ocean

It began when you kept appearing in my dreams. Illusions of no consequence at first, you’d be by my side for some adventure and then I’d wake and the memory evaporated like the smoke of one of those horrible Capri cigarettes you smoke. And then I started to wake up sweaty, on the brink of orgasm, and realized it was you I was fucking in my sleep.

I remember the night before you left New York for California. You know you were my first time, a new feel. A new taste. Do you think you’d ever move back, or do you not think so far ahead? Cause I’ve been thinking about it forever. We could get married here, not that I’d ever want a wedding. You would hate it, all eyes on you. You’ve always been my perfect opposite, me the exhibitionist, you the shy nerd. I’ve been thinking about what our apartment would be like. It would have a rooftop where we’d put up Christmas lights, although you like the gaudy large colored bulbs and I prefer the small white. We’d compromise and put up both, and watch the night turn from color to black and white.

“Ain’t No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None)”

This is my last song on my very last Shuffle and Splooge. Above I gave you one pervy paragraph and one lovey paragraph so I’m going to stop trying to come up with more of the same shit and just say sayonara to the tune of one of my favorite songs. What does it tell you that “Ain’t No Fun?” is one of my top five favorite songs? For starters, it tells you that Snoop Doggy Dogg > Snoop Dogg > Snoop Lion. It tells you that being passed around by friends, and getting fucked by so many different cocks you loose count, is a totally hot and normal fantasy. Oh yeah and once in real life a boy asked if he could stick a chicken wing in my butt and take a picture to Photoshop a fake KFC ad. (I said no and can never look at a drumstick the same, thanks for ruining that, you fucker.) He was totally white, this isn’t some racist Snoop joke, I just can’t end this column without telling everyone that story.

Previously: Shuffle and Splooge 

@TheBowieCat