Summer is almost over and me and my

band just spent two months of it on tour in Canada and the US. I wanted to write a tour diary and talk about how I ended the whole shebang hanging with my extended family in New Jersey, how I watched my cousin’s graduation ceremony and saw the heir to the IHOP fortune get his grade eight diploma (which was weird because only a week prior, I was eating at an IHOP in Southern Carolina after we ditched a show due to a rape rumour), and I was going to write about how I flung a piece of my own shit at a venue and the Swamp Fox Inn. But since Vice just came out with the Anti-Music Issue, instead of whining about how touring sucks and trying to rehash hilarious moments that just can’t be retold, I decided to talk to the people who drove us because they know just how crappy touring can be, and at least they were sober most of the time.


DANIEL HALAL (East Coast and the South)

Daniel is from Gainsville, Florida and runs a record label called Vinyl Rites that puts out unappreciated bands like Brain Killer and St. Dad. I learned very quickly that he is one of the easiest people in the world to get along with. We were sitting in Baltimore behind the merch table when Daniel cozied up to me and said, “Doesn’t tour just make everyone seem more attractive? I just want to find someone to make out with.” Baltimore sucks, so the venue was filled with about eight girls and three of them were myself, the bass player, Grady, and the drummer, Anne-Marie in my band. It only took Daniel about six days to fall for Anne-Marie and creep on her like he was on the Jersey Shore. He never got that kiss.

What did you think when you first met all of us?
Daniel: Everyone was polite and normal looking, I automatically felt like a weirdo. Also, you are all babes. Except Kenny, he is just a baby.

How many times did you want to kill yourself or one of us on tour?
69.

Yeah right. You just wanted to 69 Anne-Marie.
No way, 69ing is stupid. Just take turns or some shit.

What was the best moment of tour?
Driving back to New York after that show in Philadelphia. You demanded that we got more booze, so we found a pizza place that sold 4 LOKO. Everyone knows that you don’t drink 4 LOKO in an enclosed area, but I thought it would be funny so I let it fly. We finally started driving an hour later and I kept getting lost because the road names were all wrong on my iPhone. The whole time all six of you were just screaming random shit. At some point we decided we were only allowed to listen to Danzig/Misfits/Samhain, which I think is a good decision, but you cried about it like a baby because you wanted to listen to Babes in Toyland. We stop at a rest area and Anne-Marie jumps out before the van is even off. She walks like the Terminator through the parking lot chugging a 4 LOKO, then she side arm throws the can before kicking open both glass doors to the rest area. I hear Sean yelling at you and you are peeing on a van full of Mexicans. I swear to god there was three generations of people in this van, and you are leaning up against the front of it pissing. Finally you go “Fine! I’ll move to a different fucking car!” You went to the back of the van where all the kids were sleeping/waking up and pissed there. The grandma was terrified. I look out and Anne-Marie kicks over a trash can and is running on it like a log in the water. Elsner is kicking the trash spilling out of it really hard at the building and Kenny has climbed at least 20 feet in the air on a light post. Sean and Ryan are zombie-ing around smoking cigarettes.

What is the one golden rule of touring?
You are on tour with your friends playing music, have fun or fuck off and die.

I figure it’s OK to complain a bit if you break your leg, or have a serious injury. Otherwise, shut up. Having your period isn’t a fucking “problem.”
Being pregnant is a problem, having your period is a blessing.

BEN MARVIN (West Coast)

Ben Marvin is a photographer from Vancouver who I have known since he was very young and hairless. He agreed to come and drive on tour under the condition that he could take photos and use them for a project. During this portion of the tour we did not have any AC and only one window rolled down, a mudflap flew into the driver’s side of our van and broke the rear view window and the door, Kenny’s amp exploded, Anne-Marie almost killed us on the freeway and I got second-degree burns on my face. Everything after Los Angeles was a mess.

Did you think you were going to get as frustrated as you did on tour?
Ben: In retrospect it was a really amazing trip, but when it was happening I was just doing the best I could to keep going.

Do you remember Brace from San Francisco?
Yes.

The first time I met him was last tour. I thought he was hitting on me so I was annoyed. Since then he has totally grown on me and now he is one of my favorite people. Did he grow on you?
I usually shy away from people like him, but there is something so endearing about him. He’s the quintessential fast-talking Jew. That kid always has something to sell you.

He took us to that good breakfast place.
Yeah, but remember Alex who came with us? She told me this crazy story about how when Brace was young he came to a party at her parent’s house and got super wasted. He threw a 2/6 bottle at her friend’s head and spent the rest of the night smashing bottles everywhere. It was funny when she came to breakfast because Brace said, “You look so familiar,” and she didn’t say anything about it.

It surprised me that you didn’t hook up with any girls. That’s why most people come on tour.
I wasn’t really looking to get laid. I just wanted to take photos. Plus, I had all my photo gear with me so I couldn’t leave anything. I was constantly keeping an eye on my stuff.

It’s hard to spring off and have sex when you’re baby sitting your camera gear. So, how did you deal with all of us fighting? I mean, as a band, we fight… a lot.
I’m emotionally passive.

Really?
Ha. I realized towards the end that that is just how you guys communicate. I found it really uncomfortable. I just tried to deal.

It’s especially hard to deal with when there is no AC, it’s 110 degrees and only one window rolls down.
And four different people are giving directions to places they have never been.

We’ve ruined tour for a few drivers. Would you ever drive with us again?
If you asked me this just south of Sacramento, I would have said “no.”

GABBY (Eastern Canada)

Gabby is a dad now, but he still drove us on our Canadian dates and he even brought his baby along to one show. The little blonde cherub did a Sieg Heil when I was holding him during sound check and everyone thought we were a Nazi band. When Gabby drove we listened to a lot of prank phone calls, White Pride and Tozibabe. Maybe we are a Nazi band?

How are you? How is the little cherub doing?

Gabby: The cherub is great. He is walking like a maniac. Talking a bit too. He says “ball” and “dog” and shit like that. I heard you turned into a perma-guidette!

Yeah, I got second-degree burns on my face in Santa Monica. I looked like a troll.
Oh shit! I heard the best story when I was in Newfoundland. So, my friend’s mom has a friend with an autistic son who is in his mid-20s. He is home alone one day and when mom comes home from work, he’s all excited. Hooting and hollering. He says, “Mom, I caught a troll!” She says, “What?” He repeats himself, “I caught a troll!” He takes her by the hand and leads her into the bedroom. He opens the closet.

Oh God…
Earlier that day, a Jehova’s Witness had come to the door and he was a little person. The son captured him, tied him up kicking and screaming, and put duct tape over the midget’s mouth. Then stuck him in the closet to show off to mom. Anyway, the little person was going to call the cops, but my friend’s mom managed to talk him out of it. Can you imagine?

No. That is insane. I call bullshit. What was it like being a dad on tour? I loved it when the baby came along for that one show.
I know someone who toured with Subhumans (UK) with a baby who she was breastfeeding, and she made breastmilk white Russians for the band.

Gross.
I don’t want my kid to be a punk. I want him to be a conservative business creep.

Why did you call us “donkeys” the whole time?
I’ve been trying to cut out words like “retard” and “faggot” now that I have a kid. Just kidding.

Why do people go along as drivers on tour?
Because there is a faint hope that as the sober person, not hungover in the van feeling like the dog’s breakfast in the 40 degree burning sun, you’ll get to “see the world” and “meet new people” and all that tourist shit. It invariably never happens. Being broke. Being hungry. Not being clean. Not getting laid, or if you do it’s with somebody regrettable. Drinking Vitamin Water to make yourself feel better. Getting bloated. Going on tour sucks.

MISH WAY