I don’t have any idea what this song is, but it popped up in the recommended window after I had just gotten done watching “Flytta på dej“ for the 20th time today, and it reminded me of how hilarious music video bikini babe routines are. It has something like 15 million views too, so a lot of people are watching it and getting a really inaccurate picture about how the world works. Who dreamed this one up, a 14 year old alien boy trying to pass as human at the local skate park?

Okay, I admit that the idea of a naked babe playing a fake guitar solo on the beach sounds awesome in theory, but only to someone who’s never seen an actual naked babe or a guitar solo in person before. I like peanut butter and whiskey, but I don’t necessarily want to have them both at the same time, you follow me? [That gives me an idea though. Someone cut me a check for a million dollars and I’ll brb with a game-changing product.]

You watch a video like this as a kid, or even as an adult who should know better, and you think OH MAN I WANT 2 PARTY W/ THOSE BABES, but have you ever actually been to a place where girls like this are dancing around in bikinis? It’s just a complete bum out to everyone involved. “Here, let me just pour this water on my tits,” the girl in your dream says, and, you’re like, “Oh yeah, Oh yeah, do it…Wait, why are you doing that again?” Imagine actually seeing a girl pretend to give a water hose a blow job in real life. The only way that could be more pathetic is if the hose was a fake lesbian and they were both in on it to give broz in the club “mad bonerz.” Or, like, if it was your dog standing outside the door after you yelled at him for peeing on the rug, except the rug was his tits, and the pee was an exploding bottle of champagne.

Also, masturbating in a tree sounds like a pretty advanced next level move in the dream world of a video, but I’m kind of at the point now where I’m thinking, “Okay, but that’s probably a little dangerous, you sure you’re ‘ok’ with this?”

Other things going on here that just aren’t quite as sexy IRL as they may seem like when the “creative team” is drawing up storyboards for hypothetical music video boners:

1) Ice cream blow job

2) Champagne bottle cum shot

3) High heels on the rocks at the beach (That shit is slippery, be careful.)

4) Stealing the DJ’s headphones and walking off down the beach—I don’t care how good you look in those green booty shorts; that’s just generally frowned upon.

5) Bald dudes with giant sunglasses and goatees.

@lukeoneil47