You know how everyone is saying the internet has revolutionized music etc. etc. etc.? If that’s the case, why are all music websites so goddamn boring? They’re all either made by popular music studies lecturers, or fuckheads in fedoras who just talk about how much they dig live music. So, in response, we’ve revamped Noisey.com and started our own.

Hello, welcome to the new Noisey Review section.

Over the next few days, weeks, months and years, we’ll be filling this our with a wealth of reviews of all the albums worth reviewing. These reviews will tell you whether or not you’re a dickhead for liking a band. They’ll tell you what Godspeed reissue is most likely to look sweet on your coffee table. The reviews will let you know which Odd Future side-project is most culturally significant and sonically satisfying.

We tell you all this with confidence, because we at Noisey we have FINALLY worked out a fool-proof guide to rating music! Good news, huh?

After years of research, Noisey now owns an algorithm that can tell you precisely how good a piece of music is. It has been developed by some Danish undergraduates we hired, who compared every MP3 ever released, the number of downloads they received, online radio plays, the number of Facebook Likes the songs got, blog traffic, retweets and HypeMachine placements. Once the data was back, they’d ascertained the perfect way to rate music.

In fact, we can now do it so accurately, that–provided you live by our reviews–you’ll never again hear a record you like less than 36 Chambers!

What our scientists worked out is that ALL records are somewhere on the scale of quality between here:

And here:

Smiley being good, pukey being less good (though, presumably someone’s gonna like it).

As far as our writing goes, we’ve long been students of Rock’s Back Pages. From there we found one review which we aim to emulate. Whenever a new writer approaches Noisey, we tell them that their work must at least aspire to be half as good as this classic review of PJ Harvey’s iconic Let England Shake by the great Simon Gage of the Daily Express.

So there you go. Finally, a music website that cuts the crap and just gets it right.