A Ranking of Snakes Better Than Taylor Swift
Image by Devin Pacholik


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A Ranking of Snakes Better Than Taylor Swift

Look what you made us do.

Snakes are terrifying, enthralling creatures. They have no legs, so they slither. They can shed their skin, which is actually cool but also horrifying. Snakes can absolutely kill you, depending on the type: some snakes can wrap around you until your bones break and you can't breathe OR bite you, poisoning you with venom, and then it's just darkness. Snakes don't fuck around.

Why do snakes matter right now? Because Taylor Swift—sometimes known as a snake, by Instagram commenters and #TaylorSwiftIsASnake on Twitter, which is pretty wild considering the description above—has been releasing glitchy clips of a snake for the past week. Swift just announced her new record, Reputation, which will be out in November, and last night she released the dark, petty single "Look What You Made Me Do." Based on the Reputation cover art and the track, it is a fair assumption that Swift is directly confronting her critics and the people (Kim Kardashian West, Kanye West, and literally everyone on the internet) who have called her a snake—turning that vitriol into a powerful life source. It is truly what all good villains do. Even in the clip for the song's video (to be premiered this Sunday at the MTV Video Music Awards) there is a shot of a hand decked out in gaudy snake rings, meaning she isn't gonna let this shit go.


But honestly though? Taylor Swift is not the best snake in pop culture or ever. She isn't! And instead of speculating her as a snake and blah blah bah, here is a handy, official ranking of other, important snakes that have appeared in pop culture and the world.

20. Snakes on a Plane

You had to know that this is where we were going to start.

19. Snake from Degrassi

His character is actually named Archie Simpson but Snake is way better and cooler because he's the dweeb of the show? Anyway, he's an alum of Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi High who, would you believe it, also appeared on Degrassi: Next Generation.

18. Rattlesnakes

This snake wants you dead.

17. When Charlton Heston turned his cane into a snake in The Ten Commandments

Late 50s CGI is still scary af.

16. Slash's snake collection

Dunno why you needed so many, dude, but you do you.

15. Solid Snake

The hero we deserve, but unfortunately not a real snake.

14. Alice Cooper's snake

Yet another rock 'n' roller with a snake but Alice Cooper is metal enough to bring it onstage.

13. The garter snake that scared the shit out of me when I was 7

That motherfucker was 20 feet away and I saw my life flash before my eyes.

12. The snakes in Azealia Banks' hair

Blue, Medusa tresses full of futuristic snakes plus one giant icy one wrapping around Azaelia's throne? Okay.

11. Sir Hiss

A dopey, sneaky iconic sidekick from Disney's Robin Hood.

10. Titanoboa, a prehistoric 48 foot snake found in Colombia

Jurassic Park… did… not cover this.


9. Every single snake Indiana Jones ever had to battle

Who DOESN'T fucking hate snakes too!

8. Snake eyes (the dice roll)

You ready to gamble??????

7. Kaa

If this scene from the Jungle Book didn't frighten you as a child, were you even alive?

6. Anaconda

Jennifer Lopez's greatest enemy is not, in fact, Ben Affleck but this terrifying, sentient motherfucker who lives in a swamp.

5. The snakes in Aaliyah's "We Need a Resolution" video

An exceptionally quick way to solve any problem is to present someone with a real live snake and they will definitely see your side and agree with you forever.

4. The snakes from Snakes and Ladders

Want to stop someone from beating you to the top? Say no more. Make sure a snake is in their way.

3. The often-mentioned snake in Sheriff Woody's boot throughout the Toy Story franchise

Ghost snakes >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> everything else.

2. Nagini from Harry Potter

A loyal beast to Voldemort, Nagini was super ready to eat or scare anyone at truly any time.

1. Britney Spears and her giant python at the 2001 VMAs

Nothing but respect for my president (this giant yellow python.)

Sarah is deathly afraid of snakes. Follow her on Twitter.

Files from Phil Witmer and Devin Pacholik. They are on Twitter too.