There’s an Amazon link for literally everything, and whether you’re shopping for new tweezers or a new suction toy, you’re bound to scroll all the way down to the review section and see what reviewers have to say.

On the sex side of Amazon, they get very comprehensive. Almost like you’ve accidentally listened to someone’s confessional… It’s so chaotic but informative because every embarrassing question you have is already answered and delivered.

After scanning through thousands of reviews (yes, thousands), I noticed a few trends. One, the couples that open with “I bought this for my wife/husband” are the real fuckers. I’d love to be a fly on that wall. Anywho, their descriptions are always so thorough, and it’s very helpful to hear first-hand what it was like introducing a new toy into the bedroom. It’s one thing to bring out the Gluck Gluck 9000 during sex… but is it going to throw off my partner at first glance? Things like that.

Solo fuckers tend to be more thorough on how things feel. Whether the suction was a hit or miss, for example. They’ll break down the exact vibration pattern use, with special techniques provided. It’s like online reviews deliver what sex education missed, while helping you elevate your orgasms. Win-win. Also, what messy bitch doesn’t love reading about someone else’s sex life? Exactly.

Keep reading for our favorite Amazon reviews that make us want to click “Buy now.”

“very kind words of encouragement to all my fellow artists”: KINGDEMER pocket pussy

Realistic pocket pussy? Literally every toy promises that. According to one horny reviewer, the Kingdemer Realistic Pocket Pussy made him “love life again.” It seems this review was left right before post-nut clarity kicked in because it reads like I’m crashing after a full body O. 

“Thank you so much to whoever made this, you are totally a lifesaver. I appreciate u so much, my man, you’re an amazing person. Thank you so so much,” with a random, “Thank you, very kind words of encouragement to all my fellow artists and artists who have helped so much.”

It’s 7.5 inches deep, so if your shaft is longer than that, you might have to miss out on this lifesaver. Other reviewers suggest using lube, which seems like a no-brainer, but specifically because this is tight as fuck.

If you don’t like strokers that look super realistic, this is available in a clear version, too.

“some fine cheeks”: Lovense Solace pro stroker

Very rarely in life do people admit they suck at sex because they’re virgins. That’s the level of honesty we could have in an ideal world. Until then, this reviewer had a full on sexual awakening using the Solace Pro. “So I wasn’t using the Lovense right. You can’t just sit there and let yourself get milked, there’s just not enough power or suction. The trick is to fu-k it back. This was not something I thought of bc I haven’t been in some fine cheeks before.”

After perfecting his method, he had an “explosion.” One he “had no idea I was capable of.”

Like other Lovense toys, this connects to your Lovense app, toys, and whatever content for your immersive experience, like this reviewer who uses it to “follow the thrust patterns with the characters” in a game called “Breeders of Nephylym.”

“For My Man”: Tenga Spinner

Cue the beloved “I bought this for my man…” review. The Tenga Spinner is a hiiighly reviewed male stroker known for its special spinning tech. It essentially rubs you off, but it twists as you enter it.

You’d typically use these solo, but one woman wrote, “I bought this TENGA Spinner for my man, and I love using it on him. The spiral design creates such a smooth, twisting sensation as I stroke it up and down — he says it feels incredibly intense and different from anything else. It’s easy to hold, cleans up quickly, and has turned into one of our favorite little rituals together. Subtle, playful, and very effective. We’ve been using it a lot more often, and he can’t get enough.” Oh, and one man described this as “better than my hand.”

There’s almost a dozen different internal textures to explore and you will get more than one use out of this, unlike with other Tenga strokers.

“I miss her so much”: Unbound Puff

Sex toys have a shelf life of 5 to 10 years. Puff has been on the market for 6 years and when it sold out, let’s just say the girls were losing it. “I miss her so much,” one reviewer wrote. Luckily for her, she’s back in stock.

Another review worth mentioning? The person who made Puff her household’s name. “A literal household name. Best 50 dollars I’ve ever spent. All of my roommates know about this vibe, but only because I tell them. As a bit, I called it the Goon Machine 9000, and the name stuck, eventually getting shortened to GM9K.

It is perfectly quiet but so fucking powerful, and got even better once I started on HRT (bottom growth, IYKYK). I have to tell my partners to turn it down— it works almost TOO well.”

Check out my review of Unbound’s Puff for more details.

“Zero-100 in no time at all”: Womanizer Premium 2

Everyone loves clit suckers. After scrolling through dozens of opinions, I stumbled upon a review from a guy named Travis. The name of the review was “Better as a finishing move than first thing right out the gate.”

He continued, “It works. Very well. There was some skepticism about it at first, but once we found the right speed, it was zero-100 in no time at all. In fact, because this was the first thing we used, everything was over in just a few minutes. Best to save this as the grand finale rather than starting off with it. Well worth the price. It’s quiet and well-made and feels like a premium product.”

As someone who’s personally used this, I can attest that you will nut rather quickly and if your experience is anything like mine, you’ll squirt, too.

“The milker”: Lovense Max 2

The review that caught my eye immediately: “Fun for a Domme to use long distance with her sub.” You might not be a domme, but if you’re looking to spice up sex with your partner, know that this one held one couple down during the pandemic. Makes sense because Lovense is hi-tech as fuck, and out of the thousands of available strokers, this actually fits bigger dicks. It fits 9 and a half inches and contracts like a vagina does — with suction, too.

Back to the domme. According to her, “My sub has one of these, and I use it with him. He really enjoys it, and so do I. I love having the control at my fingertips. The app is easy to use, and I like that they have a voice feature, although it’s not as good as Discord or Skype. Very fun and easy to use, though. My sub loves it, and I love controlling it. Win/win.”

If you like quiet toys, skip this. Another horny reviewer compared it to, “leaving a Nokia phone inside the drywall. And the suction sounds like a 5-gallon portable gas-powered air compressor.”

On the bright side, the suction was described as “The Milker.” As if that wasn’t descriptive enough, one man painted a very vivid picture. “Farmers could use an array of these to triple the output of cows that produce milk. Sperm banks would be 200% more efficient if they used these to extract sperm. I would recommend this to any guy out there, if you want to play solo or have someone else control the device, this is perfect for you.”