You see, at the tender age of 17 I was randomly messaged online by a lonely pee drinker who had taken quite a liking to me after seeing my picture on facethejury.com. He would annoy me every day with questions about what kind of pantyhose I wear, how often I wear them, have I ever peed on a guy, would I please, please meet him and make him my human toilet, and so on. I made no effort to be nice to him in the least but that only made him want to talk to me more. One day he told me my piss was sacred and that it should be bottled and sold to desperate piss consumers such as himself. So I called what I thought was his bluff and told him, fine, he could buy my pee for $100. The poor loser couldn’t have agreed quicker and I even threw in a pair of pantyhose for an extra $100. This was the start of something sick and wonderful, and I have since discovered that there isn’t much that comes out of me or grows off of me that I cannot harvest and sell to cyber-weirdoes all over America.
Since then I have made literally tens of thousands of dollars selling my toenail clippings, shit, piss, spit, puke, and just about anything else I can secrete from my pretty little orifices. Add in the healthy trade that I do in worn panties, hosiery, socks, and shoes, and I have learned almost everything there is to know about the seedy bottom-feeders of the fetish community.
I would like to share my vast wisdom with the rest of you girls out there. I’m sure you will find it beneficial in whatever you choose to be in life. Or at least it will make for a good conversation starter at your next family gathering. There are three main types of sad perverts who buy my body’s waste products online. I’ve broken them down here, along with an excerpt of a real email from a representative of each wonderfully disgusting subgenus.
Do you think you might smell bad, you know, down there? If so, it could be time to start reaping the ego-boosting benefits of selling your vagina-goo-soaked panties. As a rule of thumb, the more pussy discharge and skanky ass smell you can embed in them the better. Panties are the most common item I sell. It makes sense. I mean, don’t we all have that certain friend or family member that we wouldn’t be surprised to find out used to raid their sister’s hamper for smegma-laden undergarments? Panty perverts are out there in mass quantities and if they had the choice they’d spend their lives crawling around on their hands and knees sticking their noses up every miniskirt in sight. What’s great is that you don’t even have to show even a little tittie to get into their wallets because nothing pitches their tent like a candid, inconspicuous, cotton-crotch panty shot. Easy as pie. Most buyers are relatively normal perverts while others are relatively like this:
I am so excited right now that my tiny little boner is ready to pop out of my little underwear. Of course you wouldn’t see it cause it’s about like a baby carrot or a Vienna sausage. It still squirts a lot of jizz though. I know when it has been about two days since my last whack off I can get enough out of it to almost fill my mouth. MMMmm I love eating cum!!! I really hope you can make some VERY RAUNCHY ASS SMELLING PANTIES!!!! I LOVE STINKY TASTY SKIDMARKS!!!!! Talk to you soon I HOPE!!!
You would think a guy with a foot fetish is potentially perfect boyfriend material. He gives frequent foot rubs, pays for pedicures, and loves shoe shopping. Unfortunately not all foot freaks limit themselves to these tasteful traits, and the ideal BF candidate soon turns into another pathetic customer. Every guy who loves feet is submissive to a degree—some to the point that they’d put up with a bitch of a girlfriend just because she gives amazing foot jobs and others to the degree that they’d pay money to lick dog shit off the bottom of a girl’s shoe and thank her afterward for the privilege. A pair of pretty feet has the advantage of selling any number of worthless things and if you’re lucky you can even get an informative and detailed descriptions on how said item was used:
Hi Pookie!! As promised, I have sent the $67 via PayPal. I was so excited that I almost couldn’t wait until payday got here!! It is a privilege to smell the stinky feet of a girl like you!! I am going to the athletic store and I am going to buy a headband so that I can strap your little socks against my nose in a hands-free manner. Then I am going to fantasize about being tied spread-eagle to your bed, with you forcing me to sniff your stinky feet, while giving me a hand-job!!!!! BOING!! Now I’ve gone and done it!! I’ve got a stiffy in my pants right now as I type this!! See what you do to me, Ceara?! You are an incredibly desirable little hottie-tottie!!!!
Love ya baby girl!!
What a winner, right? This guy was also the happy purchaser of my special blend Princess Toe Jam Spread. To make it, I got a big container of cheap jam, smeared it all over my feet, and then scraped it off into little four-ounce jars and sold them for $30 a piece. He told me that he made peanut butter and toe jam sandwiches out of it and ate them with his unsuspecting coworkers during his lunch break. I imagine he’s been successfully climbing the social ladder ever since.
These pink mesh nylon panties sold for $67 to a sad little man in Florida who refers to himself as my, “#1 admirer with a HOT HOT online crush.”
These pink satin fullbacks sold for $80. Panty perverts love big soft girl undies. It makes for a smoother ride when they’re polishing their little soldier’s helmet. Barf.
White see-through mesh panties; sold for $76. Facedown/ass-up is always a great selling strategy.
I exchanged these cheap three-year-old sneakers plus a bag of used tampons for a new cute pink pair of expensive running shoes.
There’s not much I can say in defense of human toilets, as I will never understand how anyone could get a boner over eating prepackaged shit. Regardless, the moment I discovered there were men out there this sexually deranged and (most likely) emotionally damaged, I was kicking myself for just flushing all that poop down the actual toilet. Never again!
I am plenty knowledgeable about all aspects of FEmale products and consider myself a true connoisseur. It is no lie or exaggeration when I say I’ve consumed in excess of two tons of FEmale excrement over the past 42 years. If I included non-excrement stuff, it would be nearer to four tons. YOU can see that this is no passing fancy for me. I live to be a toilet for GIRLs. Life would truly be pointless if I were cut off. In the past 42 years I’ve invested over $150,000 in my shit-eating pursuits. Naturally that’s money well spent, but as my life runs out, I want my final days to be a big and glorious event. From YOUR point of view, I’m just a decrepit and gross old shit eater, and my only worth is: I’m someone to shag as many bucks from as YOU can, but in my mind, I’ve paid my dues and put in my time, and as grand as it all was, I want only the best from now on. When I’m sitting around in my rocker on the porch of some old folks home, I want to remember the faces of GIRLs like YOU and let my imagination fill in the odors and taste YOU were willing to share with me. I want and need memories like that to sustain me in those final days. BTW, I also like sucking on and eating used menstrual products, eating drain hair, finger and toenails, belly button lint, boogers, used band aids, hacked up stuff, snot from when YOU’re sick, or anything else YOUR perfect FEmale body can produce. Maybe we can do other transactions in addition to these pee/poo packages. Bye for now.
YOUR toilet, turdboy (aka kopkop)
PS: YOU said my email almost made YOU vomit. I’m sorry about that, but if YOU do vomit, please try to do it into the container of poo. I will pay extra for it. Thanks.
In conclusion, I’m pretty thankful for discovering how much money and free entertainment can be made from the excessively masochistic and socially inept. I’ve found it to be an amazing way of relieving stress and improving self-esteem. I would recommend it to all girls, except that might mean less money for me. So ladies, keep working that stripper pole. Thanks.
So I imagine by now you’re filled with furious anger at yourself for peeing and wearing panties all these years for free. Well I don’t blame you. That’s why I’ve compiled this simple how-to guide to selling things you’d otherwise wash, flush, or throw away. Firstly and most importantly, buy a digital camera. No perverted loser is going to buy anything from someone based simply on what they claim it to be. They want to see pictures. GIRL pictures. If that makes you nervous you can always hide your face, as many sellers do. Don’t feel like you have to get all naked either. In the past two and a half years I’ve been selling, not a single dude who’s bought from me has seen so much as a nipple. I don’t find them worthy. If you want to though, well, then more power to you… whore. But as long as the pictures are in focus and sexy the perverts will come flocking.
Most panty sniffers like their panties to be as full as possible of smelly, white girl goo. If you can make yourself cum hard, great. Stuff your panties in your vag like a turkey and have at it. Or you can just wear them for a couple days and let nature’s discharge take its course. A lot of times I get requests for scat or pee panties too. So don’t freak out if Aunt Flo visits all over the lacy pink thong that just sold for $100. Explain the situation to the pervert. These guys are submissive and understanding. Worst-case scenario is he’ll agree to wait an extra week and a half so you can wash and rewear them. Best-case scenario is he’ll beg you to send them as is and pay extra for your tampons.
Luckily, feet don’t have cycles. Socks and shoes are much easier to prepare. A few workouts at the gym in the same unwashed footwear yields erotic-smell heaven for perverts. This would be a good time to mention that a vacuum sealer is another must-have item for any seller to preserve maximum, uh, “freshness” when packaging.
Extreme fetish items are the most difficult to package. Toilet treats like piss and shit have to be sealed in airtight containers and quite often the poor pathetic soul who’s buying it requests it to be shipped priority mail so they can consume it as soon as possible after it comes out of the tap. Saliva hardens after a day or so, rendering it useless to jack off with (this is the closest some degenerates get to receiving a blowjob). But if you seal it in a container that screws shut it can last twice as long. Tampons have the shortest shelf life out of anything. After just a few hours, menstrual goods will begin to brown and smell like yeast-infected vagina puking up decomposing baby. But hey, no worries, some guys are in to that.
Lastly, never forget to include a letter with every package, thanking or degrading the creep (whichever is most appropriate) for buying your trash. This simple business ethic gives perverts a sense of worth and meaning to their panty-smelling, shit-eating lives and helps insure future sales. Once you begin to collect regular customers you will be pretty much unstoppable.
Here’s the photo I used.
My ex-boyfriend’s mom bought me this red thong for Christmas a while back and it really creeped me out. I sold it to some degenerate for $64 so he could cover it in his ball snot. Now it’s not so weird.
Glittery spandex thong sold for $92 to a nut who simply adores the smell of butthole and dirty feet and indulges in his fetish via wrapping used socks and panties around his face with a head strap. He calls me his “Pookie-Licious Snuggle-Bunny.”
You probably think your grandma has the best recipe for jam in the world, but I bet she can’t sell a four-ounce jar of it for $30.
Hot-pink see-through fullbacks sold for $59. Nice and easy.
The profits just pour out of me, basically.