Dear John Key

Being Prime Minister probably means getting lots of letters about shit you don't really want to deal with. We're betting this one from our mate Reuben Bonner to NZ's HNIC fits that category perfectly.

Dear John Key (THE PRIME MINISTER OF NEW ZEALAND),

Something terrible has happened which is beyond my control and I am writing to see if you can help. After all, you are the Prime Minister of New Zealand and would be pretty resourceful at getting crud done I would imagine. I have heard you travel with members from the SAS on a daily basis, so that tells me something.

As you may or may not have heard, my friend Jonny Vahry has had his favourite Ski pants go mysteriously missing approximately seven days ago. Despite his best efforts to find them, they have gone and he is basically beside himself.

I know this is serious as he put out a comment on Facebook to alert everyone about the missing pants, (did you see it?) He has even changed his profile picture to feature a picture of his legs INSIDE the pants. This makes me think he is becoming quite nostalgic about the good old days when his pants weren’t missing.

The photo is obviously taken in Europe as there are two cars parked in the background with European numberplates. Don’t worry, I have written the numbers down and will be trying to track down the owners when I arrive in Europe later in the week. You never know, they might have some leads as to where the pants could be. Any information is good information right?

Anyway I was wondering, if you have the time, if you might be able to put out some alerts through your networks to see if we can track these pants down.

Potentially you could put out an APB? I don’t really know what that stands for or if it is relevant in this particular case, but if you have means to do it, it couldn’t hurt.

As a bit of background here is the Facebook post from Jonny directly (I have slightly edited it as he spelt trousers ‘trowsers’):

‘Has anyone seen my ski jacket or these trousers lying around their house? The ski jacket is an XL vans, and the pants are Lee - Nortons with a 32 waist. Both have gone mysteriously missing in the past few months & I wouldn’t mind getting them back. For a visual ID please see my cover & profile pictures. If you find them I’ll make you a pavlova.’

As you can see from his offer to make a pavlova, he really is a true blue kiwi. I would call him one of New Zealand’s true patriots, so I feel it is your duty as prime minister to find those pants. He did mention the jacket also, but I know Jonny pretty well and I get the feeling the pants are much more important seeing he made his Facebook picture based around his pants.

Of course, I am here to help the case and have gathered the following information.

1.     They have not turned up at Cash Converters (yet).

2.     They may have been stolen by thieves

3.     Jonny suspects foul play

4.     Jonny’s mum is looking in their loft this weekend to see if they are in there in a bag with some of the other ski gear.

5.     Jonny has publicly stated that he has a megaphone available to borrow to ask members of the public if they have seen the pants

6.     Jonny has confirmed that he has worn the pants to the movies before - meaning they are not just ski pants used for skiing and therefore and wont necessarily be lost somewhere up the mountain or in a cabin etc etc.

Jonny would really appreciate his pants coming back to him I know. It is a tough time for him at the moment as a lot of his friends have recently moved to Europe and he also thinks he may have gotten nits.

I can tell you it is not that uncommon for that to happen to adults. I got them when I was about 23 years old and I was working at Lilliput Mini Golf Course on Tamaki Drive. I had caught them from my younger brother so I naturally rang my mother to blame her. She came down to my work with the nit shampoo and the nit comb and gave me a dose. It worked out perfectly as it was a rainy day and I didn’t have any customers, so I just sat there with the formula in my hair in the main kiosk. Nobody really even bothered me about it.

If you could help with locating the pants, you would definitely get my vote at the next elections. Provided also you do not go through with all the proposed fracking of our country and also the offshore mining which sounds all together far too dangerous.

Have you seen the movie Gasland? That will probably convince you NOT to try fracking. Talk about a stupid idea.

If you are really worried about getting our economy back on the right track, I have a few suggestions you should consider before ripping the country to bits.

1.     Re institute selling chewing gum at the airport. The amount of times I have tried to buy chewing gum and they have told me no, they don’t sell it at the airport… You are potentially missing out on millions of dollars a year just there.

2.     Re institute the $25 departure fee at the NZ International airport. When people have spent $1000 on a flight or more, what’s another $25. People wont care. I bet.

3.     Add a dollar to the price of Lotto and Big Wednesday tickets.

4.     You are welcome to develop the following inventions that I have created and use all profits to go towards the economy. That is my gift to New Zealand. I will expect nothing in return except recognition as a true patriot.

THE TWIN FEEDER!

THE SEE THROUGH TOASTER!!

ANTI-TOUCH ELECTRICITY STRIPS!!!

MAGNETIC KICKING SHOE (WITH MAGNETIC PAINT)!!!

(Explanation for this last one here - Ed.)

I hope you will consider this letter very seriously and also, please let me know how you plan to help find Jonny’s pants.

Thank you Prime Minister, look forward to hearing from you.

Greetings from sunny London! Just kidding, it is grey here.

Reuben P. Bonner (New Zealand patriot, and true friend to Jonny Vahry)

p.s How much would you have to have been dared to call one of your children ‘Spare’ or ‘Car’ when they were first born? You have probably heard those jokes all your life I bet, but don’t worry, it’s better than Boner which is what I got growing up.

p.p.s Did you ever meet David Lange when he was alive? I would have to say in my lifetime he would have to have been my favourite Prime Minister.

P.p.p.s Would you and Helen Clark email each other when you were on opposing sides? Or is that not the done thing for the leaders of Labour and National to exchange correspondence outside of corkus?

p.p.p.p.s Would you say you are more ‘friends’ or ‘enemies’ with John Campbell?

Previously - Dear Damien Hirst