Here's the Weirdest Brexit Propaganda Trying to Swing Your Vote

I don't know about you, but I know my own mind absolutely appallingly. Like: I have no idea what I'm thinking from one second to the next. That's why Brexit propaganda is great for me: I have no strong feelings on core issues about Europe, so I can easily be swayed from the "In" camp to the "Out" given the right wording, targeted advert, or middle-aged man in wraparound sunglasses shouting about pubs.

And so we enter referendum week, arguably one of the most important weeks in Britain's entire history, and we are being bombarded with examples of that most British of things: absolutely bizarre, beyond eccentric politicking. Weird that no other country on earth sees its politicians walk around wearing coloured rosettes and shouting on megaphones out of cars, isn't it? Odd how you never see American presidential candidates unveil large stone tablets with their manifesto written on it. Would a Monster Raving Loony Party exist in any other country? No. Or as the bureaucrats in the EU will probably have us all saying soon enough: nein.

Anyway, with propaganda abound, I thought it would be fun to collate it all together and decide whether it would help me shape my vote at all. Onwards:

Gangsters Ronnie and Reggie Kray might be dead. But that hasn't stopped Andrew Edge canvassing their support — Otto English (@Otto_English)May 30, 2016

Who? Andrew Edge, Pegida/EDL supporter
What? Holding a placard by the Kray Twins' grave
Which side? Leave
Does this make me want to vote? You know it does, mate

It's hard to really know which way The Kray Twins would have voted in the Brexit referendum, but I know how they would have voted: Ronnie would have grabbed the voting form in a bear hug and Reggie would have stabbed into it repeatedly with a pen until the relevant box had been either ticked or destroyed. Thankfully Andrew Edge – a former EDL supporter who asked to be sent to prison after pelting police with bricks, bottles and cans in Birmingham – knows, and so posed with a placard demonstrating as such by their grave last week. This concerns me, obviously: when I die, what if an alleged racists pop a squat on my last remaining resting place, saying "he would have definitely voted BNP if he were alive today", sullying my perfect memory? In death, can you become a neo-Nazi? But also: I do truly believe the Krays would have voted Leave, because they were good British boys with good British values, and I want to live in a country of Krays and Kray-a-likes, frequently getting stabbed to death for minor transgressions. I will be voting Leave as a result of this photograph.

Who? Wetherspoons founder Tim Martin
What? 200,000 beer mats that seem to be offering Christine Lagarde of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) out for a fight
Which side? Leave
Does this make me want to vote? Absolutely yes.

A lot of what the Vote Leave argument boils down to is Britishness: pride in it, the desire to protect it, concerns about the future of Britishness and our national identity being lost to a single currency and easy intercontinental migration. And arguably the most important and most British institution is Wetherspoons. £2.99 pints? Yes. Unspicy curries? Yes. A place that used to be a church or similar public meeting point, converted with swirling blue carpets into a cathedral to fizzy lager? Yes, yes, yes. Wetherspoons is modern Britain in a bottomless coffee cup. Wetherspoons is modern Britain in a brass number token screwed into a hardwood table. Wetherspoons is the never-ending cider festival of modern Britain. And it must be saved from those savages at the EU, who probably want to sell the chain to Belgium, or PAT test all the pint glasses. No surrender! No surrender! No surrender to the unelected bureaucrats in Brussels!

Who? Lord Alan Sugar
What? Sitting in a spare office telling us Europe is good
Which side? Remain
Does this make me want to vote? Mm.

Here's a video of Lord Sugar, doing about 30 seconds of his usual "I COME UP FROM NOTHING, I USED TO BE A BARROWBOY IN CLAPTON, NAA LOOK AT ME, I WEAR A SUIT" schtick that he does in literally every conversation he has ever had in his life, then giving some dry and evenly-reasoned arguments for staying in the EU. But nobody wants that, Alan Sugar! We want you to be weird! Punish a whole team of Apprentice candidates for losing a task by deporting them, or something. Tell Nigel Farage he's a pro-Britain slag. I like Alan Sugar – all his riches and luxuries and he is essentially little more than a full-time Piers Morgan troll, and I respect that – but this "talk to swing voters like they are normal and capable of rational thought" approach feels like a misfire.

Who? Unknown
What? The words "VOTE LEAVE" sprayed on the pavement outside the VICE offices, words that lasted about two days before being blasted off by torrential rain
Which side? Leave
Does this make me want to vote? No

Sometimes this Brexit argument just comes down to the brass tacks, i.e. are you in? Or are you out? This extremely shitty stencil is out. This extremely shitty stencil wants to leave Europe. "Oh Joel", you're saying, "don't be mean to that stencil". No. I refuse to not be mean to this stencil. It sucks a dog's dick. They haven't done the closed counter on the O! The L is far too big! The exclamation mark is sloped in a way that defies the other letters' font! All the letters are blurring into each other, which means the person who sprayed this on the impulsively pavement (the pavement!) definitely held the paint canister too close! This is a shitshow! This is making me want to stay in Europe, just to defy this road graffiti! This graffiti is having the opposite intended effect!

Who? Mandy Boylett, UKIP parliamentary candidate
What? A pro-Leave version of Three Lions; a pro-Leave version of Get The Party Started
Which side? Leave
Does this make me want to vote? HELL YEAH BABY, YEAH!

Watch this video and try to understand it: you can't. Watch it again. Watch it a thousand times, a million. Quit your job and live on a sort of running soylent slop and sit in a chair watching this over and over again and you will not understand it, you will never get your mind into a place where you can understand Mandy Boylett, her decision to buy a greenscreen backdrop and dress in a British miniskirt and wig and be her own backing dancer, why a grown adult woman would do this thing, make this thing. Surely, that is the core at the nub of all great art: not understand how, or why, but simply beholding it, consuming it, let it wash over you like the cold dreadful waters of the sea.

I understand this video. It is Just A Bit Of Fun. Just A Bit Of Fun is what old people call banter. Just A Bit Of Fun is Britain in a nub. Your dad understands Just A Bit Of Fun. Your mum does. When your granddad goes in on you for over 45 minutes during the family Sunday roast for "having £60,000 in student loans" and still being "pigshit thick and unable to tell your elbow from your arse", that is Just A Bit Of Fun. Every episode of Top Gear is Just A Bit Of Fun. Just A Bit Of Fun cannot be unpacked and explored. It is what it is: it is Just A Bit Of Fun. Look at Mandy Boylett singing about fish. Look at Mandy Boylett, dancing with herself in an infinitely long anti-EU disco tunnel. It is Just A Bit Of Fun. Fun with a message – sure. But it is also Just A Bit Of Fun. Stop thinking about it and just fucking vote Leave, will you? It's just a bit of fun.

Corinne Sawers,

What?

A pro-Remain version of

Dancing On My Own

Which side?

Remain

Does this make me want to vote?

No

It's not just Leave taking recognisable songs, subverting all the lyrics, actively making the song worse and then pushing the video as some sort of "here, there you go, isn't my argument much better now it's sort of set to music?" power play: Remain are at it too, with this, from Corinne Sawers. Weird, isn't it, how good actual pop videos are compared to homemade versions. Makes you really respect people who make actual pop videos. Why are they so much glossier, less close-up? How is filming people dancing in a darkened room that much better when an actual video producer does it? One of the great mysteries of our time. One of the great, great mysteries of our time.

Remember, it's riskier to stay in! Be safe, vote leave! Thanks — SfB Loughborough (@SfBLoughborough)February 27, 2016

Who? Vote Leave
What? Condoms that say "it's riskier to stay in" on them
Which side? Leave
Does this make me want to vote? It neither wants to make me vote or ever have sex ever again

Back in February, the Vote Leave group were one of the first to get the Big Mad Brexit Propaganda train rolling, handing out 20,000 condoms to send out to its various student branches. The condom packets had two message printed on them: either "Vote Leave: it's riskier to stay in", which doesn't really make sense because the presence of a condom sort of negates any need for pulling out, so in a way this is a rare self-bodying EU referendum condom, and "Vote Leave: the safer choice". Vote Leave told Newsweek that the trial run had been well received, adding, "it's definitely a way to strike up conversation". Imagine. Imagine going back with someone on a night out, taking your pants and/or bra off, presenting to them your delicate naked form, and they come at you with a Brexit condom and a load of chat about fisheries. "The funny thing, of course, is a lot of people are very misinformed about what the EU is," they're saying, mouths around your genitals. "I've got a load of pamphlets round here if you want a little read of them after." There is a pause. "Could you wear this Nigel Farage mask, during?"

Who? Sibi Moore and Claire Green
What? A topless protest in the middle of Bristo
Which side? Remain
Does this make me want to vote? No

I'm not sure topless people in body paint have ever convinced me of anything, really, and I'm not really sure what this protest is saying – one girl in EU body paint, one in Union Flag body paint, occasionally hugging, presumably a visual metaphor of trade negotiations – but it's nice young people are having a go, isn't it? With polls showing young people are overwhelmingly voting Remain, they have by and large been curiously silent in the arena of Big Mad Brexit Propaganda. With Nigel Farage going big budget like some sort of bombastic hide-in-plain-sight Bond villain, it's hard for young people to really compete, so well done Sibi Moore and Claire Green for your quite-underwhelming-but-at-least-you-had-a-go protest. It's no flotilla, but at least it's a start.

Introducing our new 'Tall Tale' Brexit Beer! — LEAVE.EU (@LeaveEUOfficial)February 6, 2016

Who? Leave.EU
What? Technically – technically – created a pro-Brexit beer
Which side? Leave
Does this make me want to vote? n/a

Back in February, Leave.EU announced their intention to sell a Brexit beer called "Tall Tale", asking landlords to email them if they wanted to stock it. Since then there has been absolutely no mention of this beer existing at all. "An ale that tells a big tale," the blurb said. "Full bodied and bursting with dark flavour notes." The Leave.EU website has zero bottles of it for sale and zero mentions of it existing. I am not sure this beer is anything other than a Photoshopped label on a generic bottle embedded in a tweet. I do not truly believe this beer exists. This leads us to a curious situation: Leave.EU, in asking landlords to email them to stock their non-existent beer, were technically asking them to help organise a piss up in a brewery. It seems like they have failed at that task. Still: these people definitely know what life would be like without the EU, and it would be bad, so definitely let's trust them on this one.

Who? Your dad
What? Sharing a meme that glancingly mentions the war on Facebook
Which side? Leave
Does this make me want to vote? No

Your dad was born in 1961 but he's still really, really proud we won the war that ended 16 years before he existed, because your dad really likes war, he likes reading long books about battleships and looking at medals in museums, your dad thinks war is brilliant. So, to him, this whole referendum is a spit on the grave of the unknown soldier: did we win the war for nothing, your dad asks? Did we stop a dictatorship that directly led to the death of at least 11 million civilians for nothing? Your dad can't quite tell the difference between a state of total war between all of the world's Great Powers and the EU introducing rules about cucumbers. He's getting forgetful, these days, isn't he? Keeps putting his glasses down and forgetting where he put them. Forgetting that WW2 and the Third Reich differ from a collective of European countries that just want to promote economic progress and introduce a few Europe-wide safety laws. Anyway he's up to about 12 posts a day on Facebook about it, now. You should never have shown him how to upload photos.

@joelgolby

More Brexit stuff:

Does Europe Even Care Whether Britain Leaves the European Union or Not?

How Brexit Would Fuck Festivals and Live Music

A Rainy Afternoon With UKIP's Only MEP in Scotland