An Ode to the Greatest Song Ever: "Thunderstruck"
On the dawn of Canada Day we honor the song that embodies everything that is great about... America.
Artwork by the author
Today we celebrate International “Thunderstruck” Day. We celebrate this day because the internet allows us to declare non-existent celebratory days but really AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” is the pinnacle of human achievement. We built the pyramids, invented penicillin, forged Kobe Bryant in the fires of Mount Doom, staged the moon landing—all these trivial things served as mere warm up acts for the arrival of “Thunderstruck” in 1990. Legend has it, God spoke directly to Angus and Malcolm Young as they wrote the song and said unto them, “Git er done.” Released as the lead single from The Razors Edge album, it instantly ended sobriety by becoming the most American Australian-made song ever and has been used in every movie trailer, commercial, and building explosion known to mankind.
Angus Young’s guitar work on “Thunderstruck” is the most complicated musical composition for any instrument. Everytime Angus Young plays the blazing finger-tapping intro to “Thunderstruck,” Mozart rises from his grave and makes love to a fighter jet. No one else has successfully played the rock anthem on guitar. Many have tried; all have spontaneously combusted. This sonic masterpiece can be applied to literally any situation. To prove this, I dug deep on YouTube to curate a list of the best videos that use “Thunderstruck” as a soundtrack. After listening to the song thousands of times, I am now in a constant state of sexual arousal—“shaking at the knees.” Prepare to be thunderstruck.
As this video points out, the art of sushi making requires “precision” and “delicate craftsmanship,” qualities expressed by “Thunderstruck.” The music makes you feel like the sushi chef is preparing a meal for food king Guy Fieri. Careful viewers will see the chef made a traditional roll of raw fish, cucumber, and sticky linoleum flooring to be served through a glory hole, which means “all you can eat.”
THE HISTORY OF CPRCardiopulmonary resuscitation (or CPR) was invented for when “Thunderstruck” is on and your heart stops because blood flows to your dick, making it so hard that your dick applies for a mortgage and gets rejected because of its (your dick’s) poor credit rating. For example: “Whoa! Looks like Ted needs CPR, and his dong should get used to renting. You’ve been… Thunderstruck!”
U.S. MILITARY PROPAGANDA
God Bless America. The first time I heard “Thunderstruck” ballistic missiles launched from my nipples into a foreign school. I was awarded a Medal of Honor and then court martialed for being way too bitchin’. This song is perfect for expressing freedom in other countries. Frankly, I’m shocked every national anthem hasn’t been changed to “Thunderstruck.” Except in Canada. I’m pretty sure being a badass is illegal in Canada.
ISIS MILITARY PROPAGANDA
This is... awkward. But what a great tune!
I’ve seen enough “Thunderstruck” videos now to know when I’m about to watch a helicopter fly over a treeline and reign down death upon freedom haters. Other times, the song perfectly accents a guy on a riding mower.
TWO TURKEYS FIGHTING
You may remember this video from the news. These two turkeys got drunk on Fireball whiskey. The turkey on the left—named Bodean—came back from “havin’ a piss.” He caught the turkey on the right—Casey—trying to siphon gasoline from his riding mower. Bodean decided it was time to get squabblin’ and turned up the “Thunderstruck” on Casey’s punkass fowl face.
OPENING CHRISTMAS QUILT PRESENTS
This video is self-explanatory. Every woman remembers being a little girl and receiving their ceremonial Christmas quilt (adorned with pandas???) to the soundtrack of “Thunderstruck,” thus unlocking their ice magic abilities. This dad is being a bit of a nuisance with his camera, but these kids are going to be happy to have this moment documented for their weddings and ice-magic related adult lives.
AC/DC is not only famous for “Thunderstruck;” the band also invented Bill Gates in a garage in the early 90’s. Bill Gates eventually gained sentience and replaced most of his organic body parts with computers. As this video shows, Bill Gates assembles himself into his current form, Surface Pro 4, with “Thunderstruck” playing in memory of his former human life and his creators, AC/DC.
This one is truly disturbing. Anime is the opposite of “Thunderstruck.” This particular anime cartoon is called Dragon Ball Z, which tells the story of Yelling Man and his constant struggle against strobe lights. Anime teaches kids to wimp out, take liberal arts, and become music bloggers. By watching this anime-“Thunderstruck” combo, you will become infertile.
WRITING ABOUT THUNDERSTRUCK
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Devin Pacholik was caught in the middle of a railroad track after he wrote this. Follow him on Twitter.