Halloween is almost here, and if you're sitting at home staring begrudgingly at the red jumpsuit and single brown glove you bought back in March incorrectly assuming that people would still remember the movie Us by the time October rolled around, worry not! VICE has you covered. There's still plenty of time to throw together a quick and easy costume to suit all your Halloween-y needs. Maybe something music-related?
But you're too lazy, you say—you're too broke to afford the six-figure sum you'd have to plop down for Kurt Cobain's stinky-ass MTV Unplugged sweater, and you're not basic enough to just buy a velvet long-sleeved shirt and say you're Taylor Swift at her recent NPR Tiny Desk Concert, or ballsy enough to pull off the terrible, mismatched gingham to be Charly Bliss at their own Tiny Desk (although that particular costume can also double as WWI Dazzle camouflage if you're trying to impress the true maritime history stans in your life, so that's something).
You're in luck, everybody. We here at VICE have compiled the definitive list of all the best—er, at least the easiest—music-centric costumes for the 2019 Halloween season, from Billie Eilish to Lil Nas X to rapping Kendall from Succession.
Are you ready? Let's get started!
Tyler, the Creator
Look, this one is easy. Tyler is selling his own official, IGOR-inspired costumes for Halloween, and if you're willing to throw down a little extra money for the simplicity and ease of not having to scour every thrift store in your city for a pastel suit and an Andy Warhol wig, this is the move.
The costumes went up for sale on the Golf Wang site Thursday afternoon and will likely sell out fast, so get your credit card-typing fingers ready if you want to just knock this whole Halloween thing out of the way. Just buy it and be done with it. Besides, then you'll always have a loud and abrasive suit to wear the next time you want to passive-aggressively protest your friend's wedding or whatever.
Like Tyler, the Creator, Billie Eilish is selling a bunch of official junk on her website that you could easily pass off as a costume. But why go through all that trouble? The key to the ideal Billie Eilish costume is two things: big clothes and weird chains. That's all you need—big, oversized clothes and random lengths of metal chain link that you can wrap around your neck as a necklace. Big clothes, weird chains. Big clothes, weird chains. You can probably buy the whole outfit at Cabela's if you scour their neon hi-vis sweatshirt and matching beanie selection. Throw in some of that cheap, probably-cancer-causing temporary hair-dye spray and you're golden.
Post Malone is always a solid costume choice, since the guy's cursed, Final Destination-style life is already Halloween-appropriate. Does your father have a mothball-riddled Flying Burrito Brothers suit stashed somewhere in the attic circa Halloween 1976? Great! Just slide that on, slap some temporary tattoos on your cheeks, and you've got yourself a Post Malone costume. If not, you're probably screwed. Nudie suits are expensive. In that case, feel free to just go with the face tattoos and a braided wig and go generic Post Malone. Whatever. It still works. Get ready for a night of heated arguments about whether he's hot or not, though.
Lil Nas X
For the love of all that is holy, no, please—don't even think about trying to pull off some "Old Town Road" costume. Everyone is going to try, and everyone is going to fail. Besides, if we've learned anything from the Post Malone costume, it's that goofy cowboy stuff is expensive. Besides, it's 2019; the Blade Runner future is now. Go with a "Panini"-inspired 'fit, instead! Buy yourself some Fox dirt bike gear, hot glue some iPads or whatever to the breast, and you're set. Now you can embrace our country's crumbling dystopia the Lil Nas X way.
This year, Gorilla Biscuits have partnered with Super 7 for a run of Halloween masks based on their logo, and they're up for sale right now. Another cheap and easy online purchase for the lazy Halloween procrastinators who still want to hold onto some small shred of whatever punk credibility you can maintain while sweating inside a hard plastic mask.
Rapping Kendall from Succession
A lot of places will make you a custom pinstripe jersey online, but the best is likely OnTheField.com—an online sports outfitter that can crank out an "L to the OG" jersey in time for Halloween for less than $50. Then, all you need to complete your rapping Kendall costume is a white Oxford shirt, a bowtie, and a supreme lack of awareness while you suck up to your father with an ill-advised song about his greatness.
Coming up with so many costume ideas is hard. There's got to be a good pun-based costume in here somewhere, right? Uh, OK. Let's see. You could buy a foam headstone lawn ornament and call yourself Kacey Mus-Graves? No, that's terrible. Or get a bunch of dollar store glow sticks and be Kasey Musg-Raves? That's even worse. Look, you should just not go out at all and say you're...
Ah, there we go. Blow off all your plans, ghost all your friends, and when they get mad later, just tell them you're the Boomer equivalent of Fyre Festival and this was all part of your Woodstock 50 costume. Whatever. Halloween is on a Thursday this year anyway. See you all in 2020.