I am French and I’ve never eaten cheese in my entire life. It’s always been a big neurosis, my worst fear, and one of my greatest prides at the same time. I guess I feel “rare” or something like that, because basically every French person I know LOVES to put those crappy hunks of altered milk into their mouths. The theory I have for my aversion is that cheese smell has more than a little something in common with genital smell. When I was a kid I had a dream that my buddies and I had to taste cheese in class while being naked. To my childish personality, cheese was equal to sex. And sex was embarrassing. But then recently I decided it was time to face this fetish-phobia and gobble down some moldy curdled milk.

The only types of cheese I consider inoffensive are the ones from burgers and pizzas. They’re good and unsmelly cheeses. But for this taste test I had to do it right, so I tried the five most infectious cheeses from this side of the channel: St. Marcelin, Cabécou, Comté, Coulommiers, and Roquefort. I didn’t enjoy any of them. Even now, writing this, I hardly can remember the exact taste of those malodorous things because I was stressed nearly to death. I guess it was creamy (even juicy), harsh, and pukey. I don’t want to relive any of this anymore, so here’s some photos of me losing my shit, all because of cheese.