ONE EJACULATION CONTAINS THE SAME AMOUNT OF PROTEINS, VITAMINS, MINERALS AND AMINO ACIDS AS EIGHT OUNCES OF STEAK, TEN EGGS, SIX ORANGES AND TWO LEMONS.

Speaking of which, where does your spunk go when you injaculate? If you are using improper technique you may achieve retrograde ejaculation, whereby your sperm is released into your bladder. This is bad because you will then just piss away all those precious nutrients. If you injaculate properly, your sperm will be magically re-absorbed into your bloodstream. There is a test for this, which I just tried when I jerked off a little while ago. After injaculating, pee in a glass container. If it appears cloudy and opaque, you’ve fucked up; if it’s clear, like your conscience, then you’re on your way to nirvana.

Most of the Western doctors I’ve encountered caution against injaculation. They say it may weaken your “pee valve,” so that your cum and your urine get mixed up, or that it may harm your perineum or your prostate by backing up systems that are meant to flow forward. Eastern medicine, however, maintain that reversing flows of natural systems is very healthy — that’s why they’re always standing on their heads. It seems that there’s no clear evidence either way related directly to health problems, so it’s your call. But one good rule of thumb I encountered is, “If it hurts, don’t do it.” Masochists excepted.

If you do decide to check it out, remember practice makes perfect. Eventually you should be able to injaculate without using your fingers at all, by sheer concentration, and even make it so during intercourse. That’s where the fun begins because after injaculating you may not feel like kicking your partner out of bed right after you’ve fucked him or her. You might be ready right away for unsloppy seconds.

Oh, and if you do fuck it up and still cum in your hand, I suggest you try rubbing it all over your face. As Helen Gurley Brown pointed out in Cosmo in the 70s, it makes a great facial.