Anything Goes

After the success of the last original Player’s Ball in Chicago, everyone was trying like hell to get one in his own hometown. There were hundreds of slick-ass, trash talkers trying to get Bishop Don’s blessing, but it was an up and coming pimp named JuJu who eventually got the vote. JuJu is a local hero over there and The Bishop had never had a ball in DC so, once the decision was confirmed, everyone headed over to the pimp Olympics 2001 to see who was coming out. Among them were Pimpin’ Ken, Cool Herc, Bruce Wayne, King Boo, Buttons, Good Game and, of course, God himself.

JuJu (who has a massive stable of hos and hasn’t missed a day of pimping in his life) looked sharp in his patented red and white matching fur and suit and told VICE he got this theme from another internationally famous player: Santa. “Red and white are my pimp colors, you dig,” he said, with an oversized champagne glass in his hand, “because when I was a kid everyone fell in love with Santa Claus. He was a very popular guy, you dig?”

After talking to JuJu we edged over to the Bishop and asked if he was glad to have blessed the show, but he refused to answer. “Bless me with a hundred dollars,” he said, “and I’ll tell you.” So we had to figure it out by ourselves. Like all Player’s Balls it was a combination of ups and downs, ins and outs.

All of the billed rappers and athletes were conspicuously absent, but the dearth of mainstream celebrities was made up for by the presence of the evening’s MC, Mr. “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy” himself, Big Daddy Kane, who looked like a million bucks (in singles). He was wearing, as he put it, “The whole Gucci jump off, with the shirt and matching scarf and I got the two-tone gator shoes on with a little touch of ostrich jumping off and the full-length mink, you know?” Kane then went back to hosting the show and started with, that’s right, second runner up for Player of the Year. Despite players and macks being higher up than pimps, the awards started with them first out of respect to JuJu. A pimp put on the event so a pimp was going to win it, regardless of hierarchy. Here’s how it went down.

PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Second Runner Up
Buttons from DC.

First Runner Up
Cleveland Kenny.

Winner
Marvin from DC’s northwest side. Marvin kept his acceptance speech “short and cold for the players” and remarked only that he intended to keep things “sucker-free in 2001.”



MACK OF THE YEAR
Second Runner Up
The legendary Pimpin’ Ken of Pimps Up, Hoes Down fame took the second runner up trophy and seized the opportunity to turn a phrase or two. “I came 601 miles just to see DC smile and I’m in hot pursuit of a new prostitute. City to city and tittie to tittie I’m internationally known, nationally recognized and locally accepted.” Pimpin’ Ken made sure not to relinquish the mic before he shouted out his raunchy new video Pimpology Uncut. The adults-only video features the internationally famous players as well as a host of mainstream hip hop acts and is coming straight to video retailers near you.

First Runner Up
The unexpected happened when Big Daddy opened the envelope for first runner up and cried out “oh shit!” The winner is “my Goddamn self!”

Winner
Following some kind words from JuJu, Kane revealed that Good Game out of Milwaukee had become the Mack of the Year. After the requisite grandstanding and shouts of “Church!” (the Internationally Famous Players are all members of the Bishop’s “church”), Good Game explained to the crowd why he is called Good Game. “God is Good and game is what he gave us naturally. It ain’t no game if it ain’t good game and I want y’all motherfuckers to know that. I’m here to tell you that if a bitch ain’t able to bring nothing to the table then the bitch ain’t gonna be in my stable. I’m gonna send the bitch home to her mama to watch cable. Jack, trust me, I’m still freezing and I ain’t leavin’!”

PIMP OF THE YEAR
Second Runner Up
King Boo from the west side of Chicago.

First Runner Up
Northwest DC’s Pimp Gerald. Controversy arose amid rumors that Gerald’s stable of eight color-coordinated hos were no more than squares disguised as hos. Gerald responded by stating that he was so deep that they were “not even my starting lineup.”

Winner
It was no surprise when, as the ceremonies culminated, the hometown JuJu sat on his throne as Pimp of the Year. “They say pimpin’ ain’t easy,” he said of his prize, “but it is when you look good, and I always do.” JuJu’s ice-cold blood turned merely chilly as he gave thanks to his bottom ho, “I just want to let y’all know that one bad bitch beats five funky hos!”

Close to dawn, the Bishop was cranky because he didn’t really get a trophy. He got a small one that didn’t have his name on it so he took a few moments before getting up to spread the gospel. He began with the audience’s undivided attention, mostly because he refused to proceed without it. “Trouble and sorrow, they’re only a test. So keep on believing players and player-ettes and whatever God promised will be yours to receive.” The crowd ate it up, but the Bishop wasn’t done. “We are serious about the game. So females, if you want to play like a punk broad and don’t get up with some real players then it’s your loss.”