Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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A few episodes later, the two have been broken up for a little while, Austen is sleeping with someone else, and Madison is furious upon learning this information at a party. She stomps up to the treehouse where he’s chilling with two of his friends and begins tearing into him for having the audacity to have sex with someone who is not… Madison, his ex-girlfriend, the person who recently dumped him. “You’re a beta!” she hollers. “You’re a PUSSY! Own it!” Austen looks exhausted. I watched both of these scenes play out when the show aired, totally transfixed. I love getting a glimpse into how other people argue. Do they shut down when confronted? Immediately go to level 100? Cry? Flatly deny having said the thing we literally just heard them say? Use the term “beta”? Arguing is something that typically happens behind closed doors and is fairly taboo—so where else am I going to get a sense of how other people do it? Most of us aren’t ever really taught what a heated conversation with a partner should look like. Is swearing OK? Is crying? How bad is it if your fights last for hours, or for an entire weekend? Is it cool to scream “You’re a pussy!” in front of all of their friends? At my religious high school, I had to take a semester-long class about marriage; this would have been a great time to talk about how to disagree in a way that is ultimately loving. Instead, we were given fake babies to parent for a few days and told not to have sex.
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With all of this in mind, I collected some common argument scenarios from friends and colleagues and then reached out to Rosara Torrisi, a certified sex therapist in Long Island. Here’s what she had to say about the kind of argument characteristics that are generally respectful and not something to worry about, and what is really, really not OK. First, Torrisi told VICE that there is a difference between an argument and a fight. “For me, a fight is something where somebody is purposefully mean to the other person,” she said. An argument could be a heated conversation, debate, or disagreement—it might not be pleasant, but it’s also, in general, healthy. An argument turns into a true fight when people start taking cheap shots, or getting mean, or being unfair. She said that frequent arguing isn’t necessarily a problem, and can, in fact, be a sign that you and your partner are comfortable expressing yourselves. “You're not dating yourself,” she said. “You're going to have different opinions and thoughts and beliefs and values. You have thoughts and feelings and you’d like them to be understood, and maybe to find compromise with your partner. That's OK.” If you think of conflict as inherently bad or worry that it says something terrible about your relationship, that might be because of how you were raised. “Most of us either grew up with parents who hid arguing, so we think that no one argues, or they were fighting and mean, and it was something that we were afraid of,” Torrisi said. “I think if you're not arguing, you're not real. You're not being honest, you're not being authentic.”
“We have an argument basically every single week.”
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“We often get into arguments in front of our friends.”
“We keep having the same argument over and over again.”
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But then there are unsolvable problems that get at core values and core needs—and these are the ones to pay more attention to. These will be pretty major issues or important boundaries that you won’t really be able to manage with short-term solutions. “That might be about religion, finances, sex, whether or not to have children, where to live, drug use—things like that,” Torrisi said. “It sucks. It's hard, it's painful… but it often does mean the end of a relationship.” So if that’s the kind of argument you’re having regularly, or you find that you continuously don’t see eye to eye on major life issues, it might be time to really think about whether you and your partner are compatible, and if this relationship is truly working for you. Spending an entire day arguing doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, but it can still be incredibly tiring. If you feel like you’re losing years of your life to these looooooong conversations, Torrisi said there are a few reasons that might keep happening. First, one partner might be having trouble expressing themself, or feeling understood. “We sometimes have to recognize that the receiver needs to receive information in a particular way, just as much as the giver of information needs to give information in a particular way,” Torrisi said. If it often feels like you and your partner just aren’t speaking the same language, you could try writing down all your thoughts in advance, talking slower, asking questions to better understand where they are coming from, or just rephrasing what you’re trying to say if it’s clear something isn’t clicking. Also think about whether something external might be interfering with communication, and consider having serious discussions at a different time of day (e.g., when neither of you are busy, distracted, or drunk) or moving to a location that feels more neutral (like a private spot in a park versus in one person’s bedroom).
“Our arguments last for hours.”
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Torrisi said it could also be that one or both of you are super verbose, and are fond of outlining, in meticulous detail, exactly all the reasons you’re upset. While this can be very cathartic for the speaker, long-winded monologues strain other people’s ability to pay attention, so it’s not great for actual comprehension. Other times, Torrisi said, arguments will drag on because you’re not talking about the deeper meaning of whatever you’re discussing. If you’re just staying at the surface level—e.g., “I’m so goddamn sick of finding your dirty socks all over the house”—you’re likely to just keep going around and around in circles. That’s because the socks aren’t the real problem—it’s just easier to talk about the socks than it is to say “I need to feel respected” or “I’m worried that you don’t take my needs seriously.” So if you’ve been at it for a while with no resolution, ask yourself if there’s something being left unsaid that might help move the conversation forward. It could be that you’re going in circles because you’re dealing with an unsolvable problem that’s a true dealbreaker. “Sometimes, it's about avoiding that this is actually the end,” Torrisi said. People cry for a number of reasons, and Torrisi said it’s actually a fairly neutral reaction. Tears can be a physiological manifestation of a big emotional release, a way your body's trying to self-soothe, or an expression of emotional pain—e.g., “I can’t believe you just said that” or “I’m scared and hurt.” So the fact that one or both of you cries during arguments doesn’t necessarily mean that something is terribly wrong with your relationship or the way you argue. “There's definitely some people who feel very manipulated by crying,” Torrisi said. “And I urge people to really consider that as something they have to work on.” Crying is a natural reaction that is hard to control or stop, and accusing your partner of using it to manipulate you means you’re no longer assuming they have positive intentions. “This is not necessarily a relationship that you actually trust in. If you can't assume positive intentions from your partner, then we have a bigger issue than just crying,” she said.
“Every time we have an argument, at least one of us ends up crying.”
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“Our arguments get LOUD.”
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If this sounds wild to you, you’re not alone. (But for the sake of your relationship, you do still have to figure out a way to do it.) “There's something called a pursuer–distancer dynamic that some people have, where one person says, ‘I need to take a break’ and the other one says, ‘You're not going anywhere until we finish this,’” Torrisi said. Part of what makes it so hard for the pursuer is that they are likely overstimulated, but can’t self-soothe, and are looking for their partner to help them calm down, which they think will happen if they just keep talking—but both people are too heated, and neither can help the other. Once things escalate to this point, there can even be flares of abusive behavior. “There's this demand on a system that actually has no room for demands at that moment,” Torrisi said. “And so people then often will do things that are very, very harmful.” To help avoid getting to a point where either of you are hyper aroused, Torrisi also suggested engaging in “repair attempts” during heated conversations, which can help build trust and connection. That might look like reaching out and taking your partner’s hand, or giving them a hug or a compliment. Small things like this can really shift the energy of the conversation, soothe everyone’s nervous system, and communicate “we’re on the same team.”
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