Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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But obviously, real life is very different from the set of a Bravo show. Not every argument ends in a screaming fight or a perfectly-framed drink tossed in someone’s face, and not every argument has to torpedo a relationship or end with someone’s self-esteem destroyed. Sometimes, though, it’s hard to tell what is a healthy fight and what isn’t, so I tried to break it down with the help of some well-qualified experts. Most of us aren’t ever really taught what a heated conversation with a partner should look like. Is swearing OK? Is crying? How bad is it if your fights last for hours, or for an entire weekend? Is it cool to scream “You’re a pussy!” in front of all of their friends? At my religious high school, I had to take a semester-long class about marriage; this would have been a great time to talk about how to disagree in a way that is ultimately loving. Instead, we were given fake babies to parent for a few days and told not to have sex. With all of this in mind, I collected some common argument scenarios from friends and colleagues and then reached out to Rosara Torrisi, a certified sex therapist in Long Island. Here’s what she had to say about the kind of argument characteristics that are generally respectful and not something to worry about, and what is really, really not OK.
So, what is a healthy fight?
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Scenario 1: ‘We have an argument basically every single week’
Scenario 2: ‘We often get into arguments in front of our friends’
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Scenario 3: ‘We keep having the same argument over and over again’
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Scenario 4: ‘Our arguments last for hours’
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Other times, Torrisi said, arguments will drag on because you’re not talking about the deeper meaning of whatever you’re discussing. If you’re just staying at the surface level—e.g., “I’m so goddamn sick of finding your dirty socks all over the house”—you’re likely to just keep going around and around in circles. That’s because the socks aren’t the real problem—it’s just easier to talk about the socks than it is to say “I need to feel respected” or “I’m worried that you don’t take my needs seriously.” So if you’ve been at it for a while with no resolution, ask yourself if there’s something being left unsaid that might help move the conversation forward. It could be that you’re going in circles because you’re dealing with an unsolvable problem that’s a true dealbreaker. “Sometimes, it's about avoiding that this is actually the end,” Torrisi said. People cry for a number of reasons, and Torrisi said it’s actually a fairly neutral reaction. Tears can be a physiological manifestation of a big emotional release, a way your body's trying to self-soothe, or an expression of emotional pain—e.g., “I can’t believe you just said that” or “I’m scared and hurt.” So the fact that one or both of you cries during arguments doesn’t necessarily mean that something is terribly wrong with your relationship or the way you argue. “There's definitely some people who feel very manipulated by crying,” Torrisi said. “And I urge people to really consider that as something they have to work on.” Crying is a natural reaction that is hard to control or stop, and accusing your partner of using it to manipulate you means you’re no longer assuming they have positive intentions. “This is not necessarily a relationship that you actually trust in. If you can't assume positive intentions from your partner, then we have a bigger issue than just crying,” she said.
Scenario 5: ‘Every time we have an argument, at least one of us ends up crying’
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Scenario 6: ‘Our arguments get LOUD’
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A couple of things need to happen for this kind of break to be successful. First, you both have to agree that you’ll come back to the conversation; getting too heated shouldn’t be used as an excuse to table it indefinitely. And second, both of you should make a point not to ruminate on the argument during the break, as impossible as that might feel. “You actually have to go and do things that cool you down,” Torrisi said. “Go on a walk, take a shower, take a nap, do a meditation—whatever it is for you.” (She also said it’s best to avoid using alcohol or other substances during the break.) If this sounds wild to you, you’re not alone. (But for the sake of your relationship, you do still have to figure out a way to do it.) “There's something called a pursuer–distancer dynamic that some people have, where one person says, ‘I need to take a break’ and the other one says, ‘You're not going anywhere until we finish this,’” Torrisi said. Part of what makes it so hard for the pursuer is that they are likely overstimulated, but can’t self-soothe, and are looking for their partner to help them calm down, which they think will happen if they just keep talking—but both people are too heated, and neither can help the other. Once things escalate to this point, there can even be flares of abusive behavior. “There's this demand on a system that actually has no room for demands at that moment,” Torrisi said. “And so people then often will do things that are very, very harmful.”
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To help avoid getting to a point where either of you are hyper aroused, Torrisi also suggested engaging in “repair attempts” during heated conversations, which can help build trust and connection. That might look like reaching out and taking your partner’s hand, or giving them a hug or a compliment. Small things like this can really shift the energy of the conversation, soothe everyone’s nervous system, and communicate “we’re on the same team.” This is… really not great, according to Torrisi. “If you want to have a positive relationship, there's no reason to be doing that,” she said. If you and your partner curse casually/often in everyday conversation, you may assume it’s no big deal. “It might be something that was modeled for you... it might even be something that you're thinking,” she said. But calling each other names during an argument is not productive and definitely takes a healthy argument into fight territory. Name-calling also tends to obscure what you’re actually feeling, so if you find yourself about to snap “WHY are you always such a BITCH?” at your partner, it’s a good time to start using ye olde “I” statements: “I’m feeling really disrespected right now.” “I’m hurt.” “I’m upset.” “I’m really frustrated right now.” “Expanding emotional vocabulary is very important, but not something that many of us have learned,” Torrisi said. “Sometimes it's a moment to say, ‘I think we need to learn how to express what's really going on for us.’”
Scenario 7: ‘There’s often swearing or name-calling (“fuck you,” “you’re an asshole,” etc)’
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